Blues

Blue.

Blue is the color of the eyes Steff loved so much - Derick's eyes. The eyes that her heart used to get lost in, are now lost them self. When I look in his eyes I can feel his pain. The anguish is so apparent and it absolutely devastates me.

Derick's eyes have always been this bright, brilliant, beautiful blue. They reflected everything he is, or at least everything he was. Lately they've had this hazed look over them, dimming their true beauty.

It's not just in his eyes, it's in his words too. When he talks about her you can hear him trying to keep his words steady, although, he rarely can. He is lost without her. As much as he tries to keep on moving, his poor heart is broken.

He and Stephenie enjoyed and suffered so much during the course of their young love. He is going though what most people don't usually go though until they are well into their life. But not Derick. He lost her, the girl he loved more than himself, and now there is a void in his life where she used to be.

Everything reminds him of her, and with the holidays here, it's making it worse. Last year he and Steff were in the hospital. He never left her. No one like spending time in the hospital, let alone on Christmas, but Derick wanted to be with his girl on Christmas. Since he couldn't bring Steff home for Christmas, he brought Christmas to Steff. I believe it was special for them, even if the circumstances were less than ideal.

This year he told me that he wants to spend it at home - alone. I can't wrap my head around that. I try to remember that what's best for his healing process isn't going to be the same as what's best for mine.

Trapped Between Heaven & Hell

Lately I have been lost in my grief. Nothing helps. I merely exist in my world. And too be honest, even that has been a struggle.

My heart is broken. When I look around me and see everyone else smiling, it makes me even sadder. I know so many people who have lost people close to them lately and they all seem to be adjusting. I'm not saying that it's not hard for them, but they don't seem to be lost within themselves the way I feel.

I feel so trapped. I'm stuck between Heaven and Hell. I suppose that's what Earth is - the waiting place between Heaven and Hell. I just want something to move me - shake me to my core. I need something to wake me up from this miserable nightmare.

The pain is constant. There is no relief from it ever. Sometimes, for a moment it may dull, but that's the best I can hope for. I keep trying to remind myself that this will go away with time. It always has in the past. But in some ways that's worse. How much time? I don't know if I can survive it.

Thanksgiving

This Thanksgiving marked exactly one year from the day we found out Steff was sick again. It was also the first Thanksgiving without her. Nothing about that day felt right. I haven't even been able to write about her without crying, which is why my blog has been blank for the last two weeks.

I know what when you lose someone close to you, you're supposed to be thankful for all the ones you have around you. But for some reason I just can't. All I seem to focus on is that fact that Steph isn't here anymore. When she died she took a piece of my heart with her. And somehow the rest of my heart doesn't seem to function properly without her piece there.

My words are few these days. I'm sorry.

The Best of Friends

I think this picture says everything I can't when my heart is too broken to find the right words. This was our friendship. Pure - honest - genuine - loyal - never ending.

This photograph was taken the day before she left us all here to miss her forever. I held her hand constantly through her fight. And even though I can't hold her beautiful, delicate hands anymore, her hands will hold my heart forever.

Shoe Shopping with Steff

Today I woke up with this empty feeling - like I was missing. But then I realized it wasn't me that was missing...it was my Steffy that was missing.

When Steff was sick, I focused on her. Once she passed, I focused on Derick. Now that life is starting to create it's own version of normal without her, I've become lost in my sorrow. My soul feels lost among the pieces of my broken heart.

I cried all morning. My face hurts. My heart hurts. My world is broken. So I did the one thing that always makes me feel better. I went shoe shopping. I was looking for a very specific pair of shoes. I couldn't find them anywhere...not in my size anyway.

So I went to Bakers. They had the closest to what I was looking for, but the color was still a little off. The sales girl looked at me with an expression that I struggle to find the words to describe. It was as if she knew me.

She said to me, "Go to Macy's. They will have what you're looking for. I have the shoes you want, and that's where I bought mine."

I thanked her and as I was walking out, I asked her name. With kind eyes and a gentle voice, she smiled at me and said, "Stephanie. I hope you find what you're looking for.".

I replied "Thank you Stephanie, you're my new best friend."

We both laughed and I walked out of the store. Immediately tears flooded over the rims of my eyes. I couldn't believe it. I mean, I know Stephanie is a common name, but seriously?! It was like my Steff was right there with me - shoe shopping. :-)

Even if it wasn't her, it felt like it was. For a single moment, I felt like I was shopping again with my dear, sweet, sister, Steffy.

Again? - Seriously?!

That's it! I'm over it. I hate cancer! I can't handle one more person I love telling me that they have cancer. And so you know what happens?! Exactly that!

Today someone I am very close to sits me down to tell me that he has cancer. And to make things worse, he was worried about me. He didn't think I could handle it with everything I've gone through with losing Steff. Guess what - he was right. I completely fell apart, as he predicted.

I feel like such a jerk. I should have been there for him. I should have held him. But instead, he held me. I just cried and cried. I can't do it again. I just can't.

Steff, where ever you are, please help me. I can't anymore. I need you now.

I love you, girl.

"Only The Good Die Young"

Billy Joel wrote a song that I've sang a million times - "Only the Good Die Young". Usually when I sing this song I'm having a good time and laughing, enjoying a night out away from all the pressures of daily life. But now the hook of this song plays over and over in my head for another reason.

Why is it that only the good die young? I've pondered this thought quite a bit lately. The only thing I can seem to come up with is that perhaps the young make better angels. All across the globe there has been talk that the ending days are here, that we will be the last generation to walk this planet. Could there be truth to this theory? Is it possible that God is gathering all of his best souls now to prepare for the all out war against Satan?

If this is the case, then I understand why God has chosen Steff and John. They were young, strong willed, energetic, loyal, and charismatic - all the things a good solider would need to be.

My comfort is limited in this thought though. I still find myself getting frustrated that people that don't value their lives, or commit unspeakable crimes are left to roam the Earth - with me and the other people who loved and lost these angels. I walk among the devils and the ungrateful and in their eyes I see nothing.

As a meager human I understand that I can not understand the bigger picture. I can't fathom what God has in store for us. I just have to trust. That is the hard part. I find it more and more often that I question the intention in lieu of trusting. I realize that this is not what the Bible teaches and I struggle to find may place in the world.