"Momma, Can I Have This One?"

Recently my sister Jerrica and my niece Lidia moved into their own apartment. While Jerrica was unpacking, Lidia was playing in her new room. Jerrica walked in to check on her and found her baby girl starring at a picture of Derick and Steff at the beach. When I saw it my heart was immediately heavy.

When Lidia realized that Jerrica was watching her, she said in her sweet little voice, "Momma, can I have this one?". And of course Jerrica would never take it from her. It's really all she has left of Steffy now.

It's incredible that of all the pictures, of all the people, this is one she was insistant on holding on to. Lidia didn't get to spend very much time with Steff in the months before she passed because she was so ill. And Lidia is only 3 years old so it astonishes me how much Lidia remembers her. The only thing I can attribute that to is how close she and Steff were and how much they loved each other.

Somestimes out of no where Lidia will just say to me, "Titi, I miss Steffy", and all I can say back is "Me too, Big Girl. Me too."

Valentine's Day Starts the Year

I haven't been able to write. As much as I wanted to, as much as I think about her, my hands physically wouldn't allow me to convey my agony. It was just too hard. I suppose the tears took control of my hands every time I tried.

I thought about her constantly on Christmas Day. New Years was even more difficult. The thought of starting a new year without her was gut wrenching. Knowing for certain that she wouldn't be a part of it felt like the salt in the wound. Even after she died I still had months of knowing that she was part of that year. But not 2011 - She would never be a part of it and that thought crushes me.

Today is the first day/holiday that I've been able to think of her and still smile through the pain of not seeing her. This morning my boyfriend took his keys out of a holder in my car and as he went to shut it, I caught a glimpse of color - Steffy.

She had a little home-made key ring holder that said "Steffy" on it made of different colored beads. Derick gave it to me a few months ago when he gave her mom back the keys to the car. I put it in that little hidden holder so I wouldn't lose it. I never go in there so it was to my surprise to see anything at all.

Just as I realized what it was, the song "Wish You Were Here" by: Incubus came on. Tears immediately filled my eyes. It was so fast and rapid that I didn't know what to do. The song couldn't have been more appropriate I felt like in that moment she was completely with me - the way we were last year on Valentine's Day.

Last year - to think of her in terms of "last year" is always and forever going to be something I will hate saying, but it's the truth. Last year Steff made my day.

Last year I was alone for Valentine's Day. My "boyfriend" broke up with me via a Facebook status. Naturally, my heart and my pride were both hurt. When I spoke to Steffy, she invited me over for Valentine's Day with her and Derick so I wouldn't be alone. 

I was relucant to go. I didn't want to interrupt their time together, but once Steff has her mind made up about something there was no changing it. Now I'm so thankful for that quality in her. It was one of the best days I ever had with her.

She and Derick made us (Me, Steff, Derick & Jerrica) dinner. Derick was in charge of the meats and Steff made all the sides. It was incredible to watch her frail body, be defeated by her lively spirit. She was determined to make us all a Valentine's Day meal. And to watch her in the kitchen cooking for me was nothing short of amazing! She must have stopped and sat down 10 times from the exhaustion the Chemo caused her, but she finished the meal. I was in awe of her love.

Valentine's Day was also the day that she told me that the doctor's informed her that if she didn't start responding to treatment that she would have about 6 months left. I tried so hard to hide my fear and my pain. I wanted to be strong for her. She never showed any fear - she held strong to her faith.

We all had dinner, which was delicious by the way, and laughed and took pictures. It was a lovely night. And at the very end, when I hugged her good night she said "I love you, girl. I had fun. Lets do this again next year". I wanted to badly for her words to be possible, but deep down I think I knew that it would be my last Valentine's Day with her...and even worse, Derick's last Valentine's Day with her.

When we lost her, it was all I could think about, that on some level I robbed my baby brother of a romantic day with his sweetheart. Now that I've had the time to reflect I know that every day with them was romantic because they had each other - they had real love. I believe now that that day was just as she wanted it to be. I'm so thankful that I got to be a part of it.

I thought the void of her would be most prevalent today because it was such a special day for me last year. But the truth is, it isn't. Last year she didn't want me to be alone and so she included me in her plans. I believe that this year she didn't want me to be alone and so she guided Andree and I together. Once I saw her key chain I knew that was what she wanted. I knew without a doubt that he is my gift from her this year and I couldn't thank her more.

This last year has been bitter sweet. As hard as it's been, I know that her love is what will heal me.

I love you, girl. I had fun. Lets do this again next year. :-)

Below is a picture from that night. It's the four of us - smiling. <3 It sits on my desk as a constant reminder of how much love was shared between us all that day.

Blues

Blue.

Blue is the color of the eyes Steff loved so much - Derick's eyes. The eyes that her heart used to get lost in, are now lost them self. When I look in his eyes I can feel his pain. The anguish is so apparent and it absolutely devastates me.

Derick's eyes have always been this bright, brilliant, beautiful blue. They reflected everything he is, or at least everything he was. Lately they've had this hazed look over them, dimming their true beauty.

It's not just in his eyes, it's in his words too. When he talks about her you can hear him trying to keep his words steady, although, he rarely can. He is lost without her. As much as he tries to keep on moving, his poor heart is broken.

He and Stephenie enjoyed and suffered so much during the course of their young love. He is going though what most people don't usually go though until they are well into their life. But not Derick. He lost her, the girl he loved more than himself, and now there is a void in his life where she used to be.

Everything reminds him of her, and with the holidays here, it's making it worse. Last year he and Steff were in the hospital. He never left her. No one like spending time in the hospital, let alone on Christmas, but Derick wanted to be with his girl on Christmas. Since he couldn't bring Steff home for Christmas, he brought Christmas to Steff. I believe it was special for them, even if the circumstances were less than ideal.

This year he told me that he wants to spend it at home - alone. I can't wrap my head around that. I try to remember that what's best for his healing process isn't going to be the same as what's best for mine.

Trapped Between Heaven & Hell

Lately I have been lost in my grief. Nothing helps. I merely exist in my world. And too be honest, even that has been a struggle.

My heart is broken. When I look around me and see everyone else smiling, it makes me even sadder. I know so many people who have lost people close to them lately and they all seem to be adjusting. I'm not saying that it's not hard for them, but they don't seem to be lost within themselves the way I feel.

I feel so trapped. I'm stuck between Heaven and Hell. I suppose that's what Earth is - the waiting place between Heaven and Hell. I just want something to move me - shake me to my core. I need something to wake me up from this miserable nightmare.

The pain is constant. There is no relief from it ever. Sometimes, for a moment it may dull, but that's the best I can hope for. I keep trying to remind myself that this will go away with time. It always has in the past. But in some ways that's worse. How much time? I don't know if I can survive it.

Thanksgiving

This Thanksgiving marked exactly one year from the day we found out Steff was sick again. It was also the first Thanksgiving without her. Nothing about that day felt right. I haven't even been able to write about her without crying, which is why my blog has been blank for the last two weeks.

I know what when you lose someone close to you, you're supposed to be thankful for all the ones you have around you. But for some reason I just can't. All I seem to focus on is that fact that Steph isn't here anymore. When she died she took a piece of my heart with her. And somehow the rest of my heart doesn't seem to function properly without her piece there.

My words are few these days. I'm sorry.

The Best of Friends

I think this picture says everything I can't when my heart is too broken to find the right words. This was our friendship. Pure - honest - genuine - loyal - never ending.

This photograph was taken the day before she left us all here to miss her forever. I held her hand constantly through her fight. And even though I can't hold her beautiful, delicate hands anymore, her hands will hold my heart forever.

Shoe Shopping with Steff

Today I woke up with this empty feeling - like I was missing. But then I realized it wasn't me that was missing...it was my Steffy that was missing.

When Steff was sick, I focused on her. Once she passed, I focused on Derick. Now that life is starting to create it's own version of normal without her, I've become lost in my sorrow. My soul feels lost among the pieces of my broken heart.

I cried all morning. My face hurts. My heart hurts. My world is broken. So I did the one thing that always makes me feel better. I went shoe shopping. I was looking for a very specific pair of shoes. I couldn't find them anywhere...not in my size anyway.

So I went to Bakers. They had the closest to what I was looking for, but the color was still a little off. The sales girl looked at me with an expression that I struggle to find the words to describe. It was as if she knew me.

She said to me, "Go to Macy's. They will have what you're looking for. I have the shoes you want, and that's where I bought mine."

I thanked her and as I was walking out, I asked her name. With kind eyes and a gentle voice, she smiled at me and said, "Stephanie. I hope you find what you're looking for.".

I replied "Thank you Stephanie, you're my new best friend."

We both laughed and I walked out of the store. Immediately tears flooded over the rims of my eyes. I couldn't believe it. I mean, I know Stephanie is a common name, but seriously?! It was like my Steff was right there with me - shoe shopping. :-)

Even if it wasn't her, it felt like it was. For a single moment, I felt like I was shopping again with my dear, sweet, sister, Steffy.