In the mornings I think about you most. I have that picture of you, Derick, Jerrica and me on my desk and it's the first thing I see when I get to work. I look at it at least 100 times a day. The smile on your face is my favorite part of that photo.
I miss your smile. I miss your laugh. I miss your soft skin and your sweet cheeks. I miss everything, but I think I miss your voice the most. I miss hearing the sing song sound your voice carried through the room because I miss talking to you.
Sometimes when I'm in the car and I hear a song that reminds me of you I pretend that you're still sitting next to me, laughing and singing along, like you once did. I suppose it makes me feel close to you when we're worlds apart.
The distance between us may be vast but the closeness we shared while you were here will never be changed. I will carry you with me always. I will remember you always. And I will love you always.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Friday, April 29, 2011
Trying...
I've heard that the longer someone is gone from your life, the easier it becomes. You learn to live your days without them. I have adjusted as best as I can to knowing that I won't see you anymore, but it hasn't gotten any easier. I keep waiting for that part to kick in.
I miss you all the time, Steff. On Easter Sunday it was nearly unbearable. I cried for you all morning. Knowing that last year Derick and your mom brought you home from the hospital for the day, and I brought you that silly bunny and chocolate eggs, even though I knew you wouldn't eat them. This year all I could do was look your photo and miss you. It felt surreal.
Watching Derick try and live without you is even more difficult to bare than my own pain. He is doing his best to "move on", but everyone can see how wounded his heart still is. I think everyone can see it but him sometimes. He believes that he has grieved you, or at least he wants to believe it. But the brokenness shows through his strong exterior and shatters the possibility of healed heart every time your name is mentioned. It breaks me to watch him hurt for you.
I know that he has to move on. I just don't know how to feel sometimes. I try to be supportive. I try to accept things as they are and look at the bright side, but sometimes I feel like I'm just not ready to let you go. In my heart, you're still his girl and that is hard for me to let go of.
I don't want to ever betray your memory or our friendship and that is what I struggle the most with now. I suppose there would never be a time when I'd be ready to let you go or let go of you two being together. Maybe no matter how much time passes I will still hurt to see him with someone else because I always thought it was going to be you - forever. And him moving on is just a reminder that you're never coming back no matter how many times I wish it to be reality
Just know that no matter what, I will always love you and so will he. No one can ever replace you, not for a second.
I miss you all the time, Steff. On Easter Sunday it was nearly unbearable. I cried for you all morning. Knowing that last year Derick and your mom brought you home from the hospital for the day, and I brought you that silly bunny and chocolate eggs, even though I knew you wouldn't eat them. This year all I could do was look your photo and miss you. It felt surreal.
Watching Derick try and live without you is even more difficult to bare than my own pain. He is doing his best to "move on", but everyone can see how wounded his heart still is. I think everyone can see it but him sometimes. He believes that he has grieved you, or at least he wants to believe it. But the brokenness shows through his strong exterior and shatters the possibility of healed heart every time your name is mentioned. It breaks me to watch him hurt for you.
I know that he has to move on. I just don't know how to feel sometimes. I try to be supportive. I try to accept things as they are and look at the bright side, but sometimes I feel like I'm just not ready to let you go. In my heart, you're still his girl and that is hard for me to let go of.
I don't want to ever betray your memory or our friendship and that is what I struggle the most with now. I suppose there would never be a time when I'd be ready to let you go or let go of you two being together. Maybe no matter how much time passes I will still hurt to see him with someone else because I always thought it was going to be you - forever. And him moving on is just a reminder that you're never coming back no matter how many times I wish it to be reality
Just know that no matter what, I will always love you and so will he. No one can ever replace you, not for a second.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
There Is No Reason
When I was a little girl someone told me that tears were a gift from God to wash away all the pain. As a child, I found comfort in this notion. It made sense to my fragile heart because I always felt better after I cried. Lately nothing works. Sometimes it feels as if though I'm going to run out of tears I cry for you so often. Why can't the tears wash away the pain of not having you anymore? Why?!
I keep trying to make sense of it all. But the more I try to analyze it and find a reason that I can accept, the more frustrated I get. Apparently grief can make you believe things have a reason when they don't. There was no reason for you to die - especially not in the vicious way you did. There is no lesson to be learned. It just is what it is. All I can do is say Fuck Cancer!!! and even that doesn't help. It just makes me feel better to have something to blame I guess. I miss you so much. My heart aches for you, Steff.
I miss your pretty face. I miss your contagious laugh, I miss your friendship. I miss your understanding demeanor. I just miss you - everything about you. What I would give for you to interrupt me (I never thought I'd miss that and yet somehow I do) just one more time.
Your memory is a keepsake from which I’ll never part, God has you in his arm, and I have you in my heart!
Love you, girl. <3
I keep trying to make sense of it all. But the more I try to analyze it and find a reason that I can accept, the more frustrated I get. Apparently grief can make you believe things have a reason when they don't. There was no reason for you to die - especially not in the vicious way you did. There is no lesson to be learned. It just is what it is. All I can do is say Fuck Cancer!!! and even that doesn't help. It just makes me feel better to have something to blame I guess. I miss you so much. My heart aches for you, Steff.
I miss your pretty face. I miss your contagious laugh, I miss your friendship. I miss your understanding demeanor. I just miss you - everything about you. What I would give for you to interrupt me (I never thought I'd miss that and yet somehow I do) just one more time.
Your memory is a keepsake from which I’ll never part, God has you in his arm, and I have you in my heart!
Love you, girl. <3
Friday, March 4, 2011
Dreams
It finally happened! Since Steff died 6 months ago I have been hoping and praying that she would come to me in my dreams and last night she did. It was the best feeling I've had in a long time.
The dream was slightly odd though. The scene of the dream was her funeral - only She was there. She was walking around among the many people that loved her. She was staring them right in the face and no one could see her but me. She looked radiant.
She had thick beautiful blond locks and slightly pink cheeks. Her eyes were wide and alert in a way I had not seen them in so long. Her body looked healthy and sturdy. Her skin was gently sun kissed and seemed as warm as freshly baked apple pie. She had on a green flowing top that was snug around the top and lose around the bottom, with dark colored fitted jeans and brown strappy sandals with pink and green embellishments on the top. I loved seeing her the way I remember my sweet Steffy. She looked so alive
We spoke briefly but frequently throughout the whole dream. Her voice sounded so sweet and angelic. I just hope that she comes again and we can talk, but until then I will hang on to the sound of her voice with everything I have.
The dream was slightly odd though. The scene of the dream was her funeral - only She was there. She was walking around among the many people that loved her. She was staring them right in the face and no one could see her but me. She looked radiant.
She had thick beautiful blond locks and slightly pink cheeks. Her eyes were wide and alert in a way I had not seen them in so long. Her body looked healthy and sturdy. Her skin was gently sun kissed and seemed as warm as freshly baked apple pie. She had on a green flowing top that was snug around the top and lose around the bottom, with dark colored fitted jeans and brown strappy sandals with pink and green embellishments on the top. I loved seeing her the way I remember my sweet Steffy. She looked so alive
We spoke briefly but frequently throughout the whole dream. Her voice sounded so sweet and angelic. I just hope that she comes again and we can talk, but until then I will hang on to the sound of her voice with everything I have.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Half Way Point
I can't believe it's been 6 months since we lost your smile and our own in the same moment. I think about you everyday. I do everything I can to hold on to the sound of your voice, to the scent of your skin, to the feeling of your love. Every day I make a genuine effort to not lose any piece of you. I can't bare the thought of forgetting anything at all.
A half of a year has past already. How on Earth is it possible? I think about all the days that you fought and how it seemed that your days of agony would never end, and now it seems like mine won't. I try so hard to be strong. I try to put on a brave face and remember that you're no longer within reach of the wrath that cancer unleashed on you. It's the only thought that keeps me from completely falling apart.
I hate that I can't hold your hand like I did so many times before. I hate that now the only way I can talk to you is in a blog. I hate that I can't bring myself to your grave. I want to visit so badly, but thinking of kneeling next to the Earth and knowing that you're inside of it and not on top of it where you belong, is more than I think my broken heart can take right now.
You made this place so beautiful, Steffy. I'm sure that you're beaming smile and brilliant chocolate brown eyes are shinning beauty over each and every inch of Heaven. Until we see each other again...I love you...
A half of a year has past already. How on Earth is it possible? I think about all the days that you fought and how it seemed that your days of agony would never end, and now it seems like mine won't. I try so hard to be strong. I try to put on a brave face and remember that you're no longer within reach of the wrath that cancer unleashed on you. It's the only thought that keeps me from completely falling apart.
I hate that I can't hold your hand like I did so many times before. I hate that now the only way I can talk to you is in a blog. I hate that I can't bring myself to your grave. I want to visit so badly, but thinking of kneeling next to the Earth and knowing that you're inside of it and not on top of it where you belong, is more than I think my broken heart can take right now.
You made this place so beautiful, Steffy. I'm sure that you're beaming smile and brilliant chocolate brown eyes are shinning beauty over each and every inch of Heaven. Until we see each other again...I love you...
Monday, February 21, 2011
"Momma, Can I Have This One?"
Recently my sister Jerrica and my niece Lidia moved into their own apartment. While Jerrica was unpacking, Lidia was playing in her new room. Jerrica walked in to check on her and found her baby girl starring at a picture of Derick and Steff at the beach. When I saw it my heart was immediately heavy.
When Lidia realized that Jerrica was watching her, she said in her sweet little voice, "Momma, can I have this one?". And of course Jerrica would never take it from her. It's really all she has left of Steffy now.
It's incredible that of all the pictures, of all the people, this is one she was insistant on holding on to. Lidia didn't get to spend very much time with Steff in the months before she passed because she was so ill. And Lidia is only 3 years old so it astonishes me how much Lidia remembers her. The only thing I can attribute that to is how close she and Steff were and how much they loved each other.
Somestimes out of no where Lidia will just say to me, "Titi, I miss Steffy", and all I can say back is "Me too, Big Girl. Me too."
When Lidia realized that Jerrica was watching her, she said in her sweet little voice, "Momma, can I have this one?". And of course Jerrica would never take it from her. It's really all she has left of Steffy now.
It's incredible that of all the pictures, of all the people, this is one she was insistant on holding on to. Lidia didn't get to spend very much time with Steff in the months before she passed because she was so ill. And Lidia is only 3 years old so it astonishes me how much Lidia remembers her. The only thing I can attribute that to is how close she and Steff were and how much they loved each other.
Somestimes out of no where Lidia will just say to me, "Titi, I miss Steffy", and all I can say back is "Me too, Big Girl. Me too."
Monday, February 14, 2011
Valentine's Day Starts the Year
I haven't been able to write. As much as I wanted to, as much as I think about her, my hands physically wouldn't allow me to convey my agony. It was just too hard. I suppose the tears took control of my hands every time I tried.
I thought about her constantly on Christmas Day. New Years was even more difficult. The thought of starting a new year without her was gut wrenching. Knowing for certain that she wouldn't be a part of it felt like the salt in the wound. Even after she died I still had months of knowing that she was part of that year. But not 2011 - She would never be a part of it and that thought crushes me.
Today is the first day/holiday that I've been able to think of her and still smile through the pain of not seeing her. This morning my boyfriend took his keys out of a holder in my car and as he went to shut it, I caught a glimpse of color - Steffy.
She had a little home-made key ring holder that said "Steffy" on it made of different colored beads. Derick gave it to me a few months ago when he gave her mom back the keys to the car. I put it in that little hidden holder so I wouldn't lose it. I never go in there so it was to my surprise to see anything at all.
Just as I realized what it was, the song "Wish You Were Here" by: Incubus came on. Tears immediately filled my eyes. It was so fast and rapid that I didn't know what to do. The song couldn't have been more appropriate I felt like in that moment she was completely with me - the way we were last year on Valentine's Day.
Last year - to think of her in terms of "last year" is always and forever going to be something I will hate saying, but it's the truth. Last year Steff made my day.
Last year I was alone for Valentine's Day. My "boyfriend" broke up with me via a Facebook status. Naturally, my heart and my pride were both hurt. When I spoke to Steffy, she invited me over for Valentine's Day with her and Derick so I wouldn't be alone.
I was relucant to go. I didn't want to interrupt their time together, but once Steff has her mind made up about something there was no changing it. Now I'm so thankful for that quality in her. It was one of the best days I ever had with her.
She and Derick made us (Me, Steff, Derick & Jerrica) dinner. Derick was in charge of the meats and Steff made all the sides. It was incredible to watch her frail body, be defeated by her lively spirit. She was determined to make us all a Valentine's Day meal. And to watch her in the kitchen cooking for me was nothing short of amazing! She must have stopped and sat down 10 times from the exhaustion the Chemo caused her, but she finished the meal. I was in awe of her love.
Valentine's Day was also the day that she told me that the doctor's informed her that if she didn't start responding to treatment that she would have about 6 months left. I tried so hard to hide my fear and my pain. I wanted to be strong for her. She never showed any fear - she held strong to her faith.
We all had dinner, which was delicious by the way, and laughed and took pictures. It was a lovely night. And at the very end, when I hugged her good night she said "I love you, girl. I had fun. Lets do this again next year". I wanted to badly for her words to be possible, but deep down I think I knew that it would be my last Valentine's Day with her...and even worse, Derick's last Valentine's Day with her.
When we lost her, it was all I could think about, that on some level I robbed my baby brother of a romantic day with his sweetheart. Now that I've had the time to reflect I know that every day with them was romantic because they had each other - they had real love. I believe now that that day was just as she wanted it to be. I'm so thankful that I got to be a part of it.
I thought the void of her would be most prevalent today because it was such a special day for me last year. But the truth is, it isn't. Last year she didn't want me to be alone and so she included me in her plans. I believe that this year she didn't want me to be alone and so she guided Andree and I together. Once I saw her key chain I knew that was what she wanted. I knew without a doubt that he is my gift from her this year and I couldn't thank her more.
This last year has been bitter sweet. As hard as it's been, I know that her love is what will heal me.
I love you, girl. I had fun. Lets do this again next year. :-)
Below is a picture from that night. It's the four of us - smiling. <3 It sits on my desk as a constant reminder of how much love was shared between us all that day.
I thought about her constantly on Christmas Day. New Years was even more difficult. The thought of starting a new year without her was gut wrenching. Knowing for certain that she wouldn't be a part of it felt like the salt in the wound. Even after she died I still had months of knowing that she was part of that year. But not 2011 - She would never be a part of it and that thought crushes me.
Today is the first day/holiday that I've been able to think of her and still smile through the pain of not seeing her. This morning my boyfriend took his keys out of a holder in my car and as he went to shut it, I caught a glimpse of color - Steffy.
She had a little home-made key ring holder that said "Steffy" on it made of different colored beads. Derick gave it to me a few months ago when he gave her mom back the keys to the car. I put it in that little hidden holder so I wouldn't lose it. I never go in there so it was to my surprise to see anything at all.
Just as I realized what it was, the song "Wish You Were Here" by: Incubus came on. Tears immediately filled my eyes. It was so fast and rapid that I didn't know what to do. The song couldn't have been more appropriate I felt like in that moment she was completely with me - the way we were last year on Valentine's Day.
Last year - to think of her in terms of "last year" is always and forever going to be something I will hate saying, but it's the truth. Last year Steff made my day.
Last year I was alone for Valentine's Day. My "boyfriend" broke up with me via a Facebook status. Naturally, my heart and my pride were both hurt. When I spoke to Steffy, she invited me over for Valentine's Day with her and Derick so I wouldn't be alone.
I was relucant to go. I didn't want to interrupt their time together, but once Steff has her mind made up about something there was no changing it. Now I'm so thankful for that quality in her. It was one of the best days I ever had with her.
She and Derick made us (Me, Steff, Derick & Jerrica) dinner. Derick was in charge of the meats and Steff made all the sides. It was incredible to watch her frail body, be defeated by her lively spirit. She was determined to make us all a Valentine's Day meal. And to watch her in the kitchen cooking for me was nothing short of amazing! She must have stopped and sat down 10 times from the exhaustion the Chemo caused her, but she finished the meal. I was in awe of her love.
Valentine's Day was also the day that she told me that the doctor's informed her that if she didn't start responding to treatment that she would have about 6 months left. I tried so hard to hide my fear and my pain. I wanted to be strong for her. She never showed any fear - she held strong to her faith.
We all had dinner, which was delicious by the way, and laughed and took pictures. It was a lovely night. And at the very end, when I hugged her good night she said "I love you, girl. I had fun. Lets do this again next year". I wanted to badly for her words to be possible, but deep down I think I knew that it would be my last Valentine's Day with her...and even worse, Derick's last Valentine's Day with her.
When we lost her, it was all I could think about, that on some level I robbed my baby brother of a romantic day with his sweetheart. Now that I've had the time to reflect I know that every day with them was romantic because they had each other - they had real love. I believe now that that day was just as she wanted it to be. I'm so thankful that I got to be a part of it.
I thought the void of her would be most prevalent today because it was such a special day for me last year. But the truth is, it isn't. Last year she didn't want me to be alone and so she included me in her plans. I believe that this year she didn't want me to be alone and so she guided Andree and I together. Once I saw her key chain I knew that was what she wanted. I knew without a doubt that he is my gift from her this year and I couldn't thank her more.
This last year has been bitter sweet. As hard as it's been, I know that her love is what will heal me.
I love you, girl. I had fun. Lets do this again next year. :-)
Below is a picture from that night. It's the four of us - smiling. <3 It sits on my desk as a constant reminder of how much love was shared between us all that day.
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