A Poem or Something Like It

She held her hand

She watched her fight

She watched the life slowly slip from her chocolate brown eyes

She clung to hope and tried to believe

That her beautiful friend would overcome this vicious disease

She wished away her pain, and wished away her fear

She would make herself smile and hide her own tears

When her Angel went Home, her heart was crushed,

She was consumed with grief

To honor the girl she loved so much

She tattooed Live Laugh Love between angel wings

It’s been a year and somehow she still can’t escape

The pain that accompanies the absence if her sweet face.

When she lost that sweet smile, she lost her own in the same second

And the only comfort she has is knowing that her beloved friend is free of pain and

Dancing in Heaven

Dear Tia...

Brenda gave me an assignment to write a letter from Stephenie to myself. I have been avoiding it all week. I know that when I do this it's going to break my heart in a way that I don't want to deal with. But I suppose that's the whole point of therapy. Hurt until the pains goes away. So here goes...



Hey Girl,

I see you, I feel you, and I love you. I know that my absence has been difficult for you, but what you don't realize is that I'm not really gone. I'm still there, right next to you the way I always was. I'm in everything you do and everything you love because you keep me there. You keep my memory alive in your heart and in your stories and in your unconditional love.

I know that you feel like you've lost me, like you've lost your friend and sister, but you haven't. I'm always going to be just as you remember me. You've etched my face and love into your heart forever. You keep me safe there. However, I have lost my friend and sister. You are no longer the girl I love so much. You're so broken and sad. That's not my Tia. My Tia is beautiful and lively. She is the girl that I could always count on no matter what. She was the girl who always had an opinion and could make me see things no one else could. She is the girl who held my hand with so much love during the most painful days of my life. Where is my Tia? Please be that girl again. The girl that everyone loves, the girl I love and the girl you love.

Now that I am freed of my illness, and the pain it caused me, I am able to dance freely in the radiance of God's love. But it's not Heaven if I have to worry about you. Please let your heart heal. Not being devastated every day of your life doesn't mean that you don't love me anymore or that you're forgetting our special friendship. The closeness we shared is unbreakable no matter how many worlds apart we are now. 

Take care of my baby. I know he's hurting too. Please get him to open up and heal with you. You both deserve it and it's what I want. Please let my love heal you.

I love you, girl.  Always, forever, and then some. <3

Love,

Steffy Weffy

Just Because I Miss You

In the mornings I think about you most. I have that picture of you, Derick, Jerrica and me on my desk and it's the first thing I see when I get to work. I look at it at least 100 times a day. The smile on your face is my favorite part of that photo.

I miss your smile. I miss your laugh. I miss your soft skin and your sweet cheeks. I miss everything, but I think I miss your voice the most. I miss hearing the sing song sound your voice carried through the room because I miss talking to you.

Sometimes when I'm in the car and I hear a song that reminds me of you I pretend that you're still sitting next to me, laughing and singing along, like you once did. I suppose it makes me feel close to you when we're worlds apart.

The distance between us may be vast but the closeness we shared while you were here will never be changed. I will carry you with me always. I will remember you always. And I will love you always.

Trying...

I've heard that the longer someone is gone from your life, the easier it becomes. You learn to live your days without them. I have adjusted as best as I can to knowing that I won't see you anymore, but it hasn't gotten any easier. I keep waiting for that part to kick in.

I miss you all the time, Steff. On Easter Sunday it was nearly unbearable. I cried for you all morning. Knowing that last year Derick and your mom brought you home from the hospital for the day, and I brought you that silly bunny and chocolate eggs, even though I knew you wouldn't eat them. This year all I could do was look your photo and miss you. It felt surreal.

Watching Derick try and live without you is even more difficult to bare than my own pain. He is doing his best to "move on", but everyone can see how wounded his heart still is. I think everyone can see it but him sometimes. He believes that he has grieved you, or at least he wants to believe it. But the brokenness shows through his strong exterior and shatters the possibility of healed heart every time your name is mentioned. It breaks me to watch him hurt for you.

I know that he has to move on. I just don't know how to feel sometimes. I try to be supportive. I try to accept things as they are and look at the bright side, but sometimes I feel like I'm just not ready to let you go. In my heart, you're still his girl and that is hard for me to let go of.

I don't want to ever betray your memory or our friendship and that is what I struggle the most with now. I suppose there would never be a time when I'd be ready to let you go or let go of you two being together. Maybe no matter how much time passes I will still hurt to see him with someone else because I always thought it was going to be you - forever. And him moving on is just a reminder that you're never coming back no matter how many times I wish it to be reality

Just know that no matter what, I will always love you and so will he. No one can ever replace you, not for a second.

There Is No Reason

When I was a little girl someone told me that tears were a gift from God to wash away all the pain. As a child, I found comfort in this notion. It made sense to my fragile heart because I always felt better after I cried. Lately nothing works. Sometimes it feels as if though I'm going to run out of tears I cry for you so often. Why can't the tears wash away the pain of not having you anymore? Why?!

I keep trying to make sense of it all. But the more I try to analyze it and find a reason that I can accept, the more frustrated I get. Apparently grief can make you believe things have a reason when they don't. There was no reason for you to die - especially not in the vicious way you did. There is no lesson to be learned. It just is what it is. All I can do is say Fuck Cancer!!!  and even that doesn't help. It just makes me feel better to have something to blame I guess. I miss you so much. My heart aches for you, Steff.

I miss your pretty face. I miss your contagious laugh, I miss your friendship. I miss your understanding demeanor. I just miss you - everything about you. What I would give for you to interrupt me (I never thought I'd miss that and yet somehow I do) just one more time.

Your memory is a keepsake from which I’ll never part, God has you in his arm, and I have you in my heart!

Love you, girl. <3

Dreams

It finally happened! Since Steff died 6 months ago I have been hoping and praying that she would come to me in my dreams and last night she did. It was the best feeling I've had in a long time.

The dream was slightly odd though. The scene of the dream was her funeral - only She was there. She was walking around among the many people that loved her. She was staring them right in the face and no one could see her but me. She looked radiant.

She had thick beautiful blond locks and slightly pink cheeks. Her eyes were wide and alert in a way I had not seen them in so long. Her body looked healthy and sturdy. Her skin was gently sun kissed and seemed as warm as freshly baked apple pie. She had on a green flowing top that was snug around the top and lose around the bottom, with dark colored fitted jeans and brown strappy sandals with pink and green embellishments on the top. I loved seeing her the way I remember my sweet Steffy. She looked so alive

We spoke briefly but frequently throughout the whole dream. Her voice sounded so sweet and angelic. I just hope that she comes again and we can talk, but until then I will hang on to the sound of her voice with everything I have.

Half Way Point

I can't believe it's been 6 months since we lost your smile and our own in the same moment. I think about you everyday. I do everything I can to hold on to the sound of your voice, to the scent of your skin, to the feeling of your love. Every day I make a genuine effort to not lose any piece of you. I can't bare the thought of forgetting anything at all.

A half of a year has past already. How on Earth is it possible? I think about all the days that you fought and how it seemed that your days of agony would never end, and now it seems like mine won't. I try so hard to be strong. I try to put on a brave face and remember that you're no longer within reach of the wrath that cancer unleashed on you.  It's the only thought that keeps me from completely falling apart.

I hate that I can't hold your hand like I did so many times before. I hate that now the only way I can talk to you is in a blog. I hate that I can't bring myself to your grave. I want to visit so badly, but thinking of kneeling next to the Earth and knowing that you're inside of it and not on top of it where you belong, is more than I think my broken heart can take right now.

You made this place so beautiful, Steffy. I'm sure that you're beaming smile and brilliant chocolate brown eyes are shinning beauty over each and every inch of Heaven. Until we see each other again...I love you...