Blues

Blue.

Blue is the color of the eyes Steff loved so much - Derick's eyes. The eyes that her heart used to get lost in, are now lost them self. When I look in his eyes I can feel his pain. The anguish is so apparent and it absolutely devastates me.

Derick's eyes have always been this bright, brilliant, beautiful blue. They reflected everything he is, or at least everything he was. Lately they've had this hazed look over them, dimming their true beauty.

It's not just in his eyes, it's in his words too. When he talks about her you can hear him trying to keep his words steady, although, he rarely can. He is lost without her. As much as he tries to keep on moving, his poor heart is broken.

He and Stephenie enjoyed and suffered so much during the course of their young love. He is going though what most people don't usually go though until they are well into their life. But not Derick. He lost her, the girl he loved more than himself, and now there is a void in his life where she used to be.

Everything reminds him of her, and with the holidays here, it's making it worse. Last year he and Steff were in the hospital. He never left her. No one like spending time in the hospital, let alone on Christmas, but Derick wanted to be with his girl on Christmas. Since he couldn't bring Steff home for Christmas, he brought Christmas to Steff. I believe it was special for them, even if the circumstances were less than ideal.

This year he told me that he wants to spend it at home - alone. I can't wrap my head around that. I try to remember that what's best for his healing process isn't going to be the same as what's best for mine.

Trapped Between Heaven & Hell

Lately I have been lost in my grief. Nothing helps. I merely exist in my world. And too be honest, even that has been a struggle.

My heart is broken. When I look around me and see everyone else smiling, it makes me even sadder. I know so many people who have lost people close to them lately and they all seem to be adjusting. I'm not saying that it's not hard for them, but they don't seem to be lost within themselves the way I feel.

I feel so trapped. I'm stuck between Heaven and Hell. I suppose that's what Earth is - the waiting place between Heaven and Hell. I just want something to move me - shake me to my core. I need something to wake me up from this miserable nightmare.

The pain is constant. There is no relief from it ever. Sometimes, for a moment it may dull, but that's the best I can hope for. I keep trying to remind myself that this will go away with time. It always has in the past. But in some ways that's worse. How much time? I don't know if I can survive it.

Thanksgiving

This Thanksgiving marked exactly one year from the day we found out Steff was sick again. It was also the first Thanksgiving without her. Nothing about that day felt right. I haven't even been able to write about her without crying, which is why my blog has been blank for the last two weeks.

I know what when you lose someone close to you, you're supposed to be thankful for all the ones you have around you. But for some reason I just can't. All I seem to focus on is that fact that Steph isn't here anymore. When she died she took a piece of my heart with her. And somehow the rest of my heart doesn't seem to function properly without her piece there.

My words are few these days. I'm sorry.