Cancer Sucks!

Today is the day before my 25th birhday. I never thought in a millions years that I would have to celebrate it without Steff. I would have never imagined at this time last year that she wouldn't be here with us. After all we didn't even know she was sick at this time last year.

I went to lunch with my good friends Leah and Michelle today. At lunch I received a Team Goddard bracelet for our friend John who is battling cancer. It breaks my heart. I hate that this vicious disease is taking the people we love. It makes me angry!

If I could have any one wish for my birthday it would be for the cure to cancer. I would give Derick the love of his life back and I would give our sweet friend Cat her handsome husband back. I know that there is no turning back the hands of time, but maybe if there was a way to prevent other families from having to go through what we've all been through, then it might give losing Steff a sense of purpose. A reason - that's all I want. Why? Why did we have to lose her?! Why does everyone that loves John have to lose him.

I would give anything to have one more hour with Steff. There isn't anything I wouldn't do to give Derick one more day with the girl he loves more than he loves himself.

Fuck Cancer - It fucking sucks!

8 Weeks Later...

How is it possible that it's already been nearly two months? Today is 8 weeks since we lost our beloved Stephenie. I miss her everyday. There are times when a song will come on and I will think of her and smile and other times when the tears will flood my eyes so rapidly that I don't know what happened.

On her birthday I finally made the decision to remove her number from my speed dial. I know it seems stupid, but it broke my heart. I cried and cried. I guess it's because I knew I'd never be able to call her again. I mean I already knew - I'm not blind to the fact that she's gone, it just made it so final. But accidently calling her was tearing me apart inside.

So many things have changed since she's been gone. There are so many things that I want to call and tell her. Things that I think she would get more than anyone else - things that she alone would have the answers to - things that only she would be able to fix. But she's not on the other end of the phone anymore. She's not just a car ride away. She'll never be in the other room again.

When I think about how hard it is for me I feel selfish. I can't imagine what it's like for Derick. My heart breaks for him everyday. No one should ever lose the love of their life at 19.

How is he expected to go on without her and be happy? Everything reminds him of her. He misses her so much. He deals with his grief differently than me, but I know without a doubt he is grieving more deeply than anyone else. He knew the real Stephenie more than anyone did. He was her other half and she was his.

Derick hasn't really changed since she's been gone, but his days have. He is still the same sweet, caring, selfless boy he always was. Only now he doesn’t have Steff to take care of and comfort. He is working now which is good. I think it's healthy for him to have something to occupy his time and his mind. That way he won't be trapped hour after hour in his desire to be close to her. I'm sure the nights are the hardest for him. Learning to sleep without her near him is excruciating at best.

On the weekends he spends his time trying to find a way to move forward without the other piece of his heart. He has moved out of the house that he and Steph shared. It was difficult in some ways but it was definitely necessary. I think it will help him in the healing process.

I think that as much as we don't want to move forward without her, we have to find a way. It's time to start living life again. She would want that for both of us. It just won't ever be the same without her.
I miss my Stephie.

Nothing is Special Without a Memory

There is a saying that I'm sure you've all heard - "Money can't buy happiness". But apparently it sure can ruin happiness. In the last few weeks there has been a lot of back and forth arguing over Steff's things. Things that were important to her - things that she loved - things that at the end of the day are still just things!


To me what makes something special is the memory of the person they were a part of.  The things you did in/with them or the reaction on their/her face when she saw it for the first time. Perhaps the hassle of driving all around town on Christmas Eve to find that last pink camera in the city, just to bring a smile to her angelic face. Her stuff is only valuable because she made them important to her, therefore important to us. Without the memories that surround them, they are just jewelry, clothes, shoes, bags, blankets, sun glasses, bathing suits et cetera.

Personally, I can't wrap my head around something of material value meaning so much to someone, especially when it had nothing to do with their relationship with her. But then again, that's not the way I was raised. I was taught to value the person and the memories created with them over material things.
The things that I hold the most special to my heart are my memories of her. Of course I love looking at pictures of her and remembering those days we spent together. I like to wear the ring that she gave me (that couldn't have cost more than $7). One of my favorite pairs of shoes are not even ones she gave me, but as soon as she saw them on my feet, she had Derick buy them for her. Now every time I wear them I think of her. I think of how big her eyes got when she saw them and how excited she was when she got to have them for herself.

If all of these things were gone, the memories wouldn't be. No one can take those from me. I'm aware of the fact that some people only have superficial relationships; therefore they have to hang on to material things in order to remember someone. But the things that were acquired during that relationship should stay within that relationship. My feelings on this matter are strong. It's sad to me that something that was never theirs in the first place is expected to be handed over just because they share her blood.

Blood isn't the only thing that makes someone family. Love is what makes you family. And I don't care what anyone says, Derick was Steph's family just as much, if not more so in some ways, then blood relatives. He loves her in a way that no one else can. And when it really came down to it, she always picked him over anyone and anything. I believe that she would be furious with the way certain things have been handled and the way certain people have treated him since she died.

♪♫ Happy Birthday To You ♪♫

Twenty years ago today, my dear sweet Stephenie Marie graced the world with her presence. :-) 

In honor of her memory, I got a tattoo of angel wings with the words *Live Laugh Love* between them and a heart underneath. That was who Steph was. She was a girl who lived, laughed and loved with everything thing she had in her... and now she has her angel wings. The heart was placed under it because she is eternally etched into my heart.

I imagine that today in heaven she is laughing, dancing and smiling, now that she is no longer plagued with the pain her body was encompassed with here on Earth.

As much as I miss her, and I wish she was here with us to celebrate her birthday, I am thankful that she no longer in the constant anguish that despicable cancer caused her. Now she is whole.

Happy Birthday to my beautiful, funny, vibrant, vivacious, sassy, genuine, Sister Steff. I love her now, tomorrow and always.

This is right after it was done so its a little swollen and red. It looks a little crooked in the picture, but I assure you it's beautiful and perfect. Its on my right rib cage. Part of the wing ends right where her port was. I think that makes it that much MORE special.

Everyone I told that I had chosen to get the tattoo on my ribs kept telling me how painful it would be. And they were right, it definitely didn't tickle. But if she could go though all of that pain for all of those months, fighting for all of us, I thought it was only appropriate to honor her regardless of pain. No tattoo can compare to the pain I feel not having her anymore or the pain she went through every single day.

~Live*Laugh*Love~ 

Undying Love

Love. It's the one thing that when all else failed, Steff had. She had the love of everyone she came in contact with - especially Derick's love. It was impossible not to love her.

Her touch was gentle and kind. Her smile brightened the saddest days and her laugh made the most impossible situations seem possible. Her presence was a present in itself. Stephanie was a priceless gift.

I miss loving her. I miss being able to show her my love. The memory of her love is all I have left.

But then, sometimes, I think I still have the lesson of her love. She would always say "Girl, you just need some love in your life.". And as young as she was, she definitely was smarter than me when it came to that. She found it with my baby brother.

They loved each other so truly and so unconditionally. When he looked at her, even after she no longer had her golden blonde hair - he adored her. None of that mattered to him at all. No matter what was going on, how hard it was, no matter how sick she got, or how much of his life he had to sacrifice - it was all worth it because he adored her and she adored him right back. They were lost in their love for one another. Their love is what kept her going. It's what kept her fighting to stay alive and kept him fighting to her make her life worth living.

How special that kind of love must feel and how incredible to know that you have found the best parts of yourself in another person.  I don't think I've ever been in love that way.

I've never really been so in love that I can't imagine my life without them. That's the way Stephanie loves Derick. She couldn't have gone on without him and he never made her, even when it was difficult for him.

He endured the pressure and agony of watching the girl he loved so much wither away before his tear filled eyes, but he didn't give up. His love for her held strong and so did his promise to love her and take care of her until the day she died. Not that she ever knew this promise, because it was a silent promise. As far as she knew, she was going to be just fine and one day they would live the life they always planned. He wouldn't take away the one thing she always had when she was in the hopsital - hope.

No matter how broken her body was her heart never had to be. She gave it to someone who cherished it and protected it until she took her last breath. And even now after she's been gone for 6 weeks, his love for her still thrives as it always will.

When she died a part of him died.  As much as it pains me to know how much he is hurting, I know that he is strong, and that her love, while not her in a physical sense, is still pulsing through him. That kind of love can't be broken by a change of worlds. Their love knows no limits. It never did.

As scared as I've always been to give my heart like that, I know Steff wants that kind of love for me, so I want it for myself. I want that love that shakes you to the core, changes the way you feel about life and makes you be a person you never knew existed.  I won't allow my own fear to take away the possibility of the one thing that made her life complete.
                                           

Room 4012

I never thought I'd miss going to the hospital. But now I do. I would give anything to walk through those cold halls that lead to room 4012, open the door that lead to her bright brown eyes and hug her. She somehow made that room her own. She had pictures of us in it, and her cute Hello Kitty outfits and her endless blankets.

It's hard to think of anyone else having that room now because in my mind, it's hers. I imagine that Steff is looking over whatever child now has that room. That she somehow, in her angel state of being, brings them comfort.

As many times as I went to see her in the hospital, now it seems like it wasn't enough. She'd always tell me not to come and that she wanted me to have fun on my weekends and that she'd just see me when she got home. Sometimes I'd ignore her and go anyways. Other times I would choose to believe her.

In part I suppose it was because I didn't want her to ever feel like I went out of pity or obligation. And other times, I was terrified that I'd make her feel as if though I didn't believe she'd make it home. I needed her to always know that I believed in her. That I knew she was a fighter!

Some of her closest friends became the nurses and staff on her floor. She loved them and they loved her. I mean, how could they not? She was funny as all hell. Not to mention, she constantly had Derick going to Krispy Kreme to get donuts. :-)

To say the entire hospital knew Derick is an understatement. There wasn't a place in that hospital that he went where they didn't know him by name. He was after all there just as much as Steff was. He would never leave her unless he had to.

Sometimes when I was there visiting, I would just sit and watch them. I would watch her beautiful eyes follow him around the room. You could see when she looked at him how much he meant to her. He would pick things up around the room in an attempt to make it as much like home as possible.

While Steff was sleeping, he would browse the internet looking something to make her smile. Something to surprise her with. And since Steff was a true girly girl, it was usually a gorgeous ring or necklace. The boy has good taste.

Whenever he would leave the room he would always kiss her. It didn't matter why he was leaving or for how long he would be gone. He always kissed the girl he called "Baby". Sometimes she would wake up and ask him where he was going and when he'd be back. Other times she would wake up from his gentle kiss, smile slightly, and drift back off to her dreams, where they held hands and laughed the way they once had. Then there were times, where she was in so much pain or on so much medication, that she wouldn't even open her eyes. But aware or not, Derick kissed her all the same. There was never a time, he didn't kiss her beautiful face good bye.

I remember the last day I ever spent in that room with her. It was a happy day. Derick had called me at work to let me know we were finally taking her home. I immediately left work and hurried to the hospital. I had after all been there the first day she was admitted and I wanted to be there the last day she'd ever have to be there.

As all things at hospitals usually do, everything took forever. Stephenie was so annoyed that it was taking so long to release her. She was ready to be home, in her bed, with her sweet puppy Spike, and her handsome love Derick.

She made me laugh so hard when they were making arrangements for the ambulance to come and bring her home.  She threw a fit. In her opinion it was pointless to have them come when Derick had the car to bring her home in. Of course we all explained why it was best and in the end she agreed.

The moment I realized that I'd never be going back to the hospital room to see her was one of the happiest and most devastating feelings I've ever had. I was half way home when I realized that I wasn't ever going back there to see her. Not because she was all of the sudden better. But because treatment was no longer an option for my sweet Stephanie.

When you open your eyes to the thought of losing someone so important to you, your heart breaks in a way that can never really heal. There is nothing that will ever fill that void. Steff has a place in my heart that is hers alone.

Steffy's Eulogy

This was the first thing that I wrote for her. It was extremely difficult, but I chose to give her eulogy at her funeral. For those of you who were there, you have already heard this in my broken voice. Even now, when I read it, my heart breaks all over again.

The hardest part of standing up there and talking about her was not having people look at me. It wasn't that I would mess up, or that I would stumble over my words. It was knowing that she was right infront of me and I couldn't touch her soft skin. I couldn't hold her hand or tickle her back the way she likes. Even now I say "likes" in lieu of "liked". It's so hard to think of her in past tense.

I hold on to the notion that if I can keep her alive in my heart and in my world, she'll never really be gone. I can't bare the thought of not having her anymore so I choose everyday to hang on to every piece of her that I can.

Below is Steff's Eulogy. I hope that it did her justice. She deserves nothing short of that.

We are all gathered here today to celebrate the life of the radiant Stephenie Marie Gilbert. For all of you who had the extraordinary pleasure of knowing her, none of these things will come as news to you, but for those of you who are here in support of the people, who loved her let me share a little about our beloved Stephenie.

Stephenie was effortlessly striking. She had the kind of vibrant spirit that made everyone in her world smile. Anything that sparkled made her eyes sparkle. Hello Kitty and anything pink were a must in her life. She was a true girly girl. The silliest things made her laugh. She was funny. She loved cheese roll ups from Taco Bell. A trip to the beach would make her so happy. Of course she'd have to have a new bathing suite and tan before she would go, but it made her happy just the same. She was always eating and she was always trying to feed people around her, even if it was only by sending Derick, on one too many trips to Krispy Kreme.

For the last few days I've been trying to figure out how we could all lose her, and how we are all supposed to get through it. And then I remembered a conversation she and I had one day while I was painting her nails. What she said to me was, "I'm not sure why this is happening, all I know is that I am meant to go through it." When I think about her sweet voice saying that, all I can think is what an amazing strength she had within her. What a will to fight and what an amazing courage to accept this fate. And I believe that as much as she believed she was meant to go through it, this is the part we are all meant to go through.

We will all struggle and a grieve in our own ways. We will all try and find the lesson the Lord is sending us, but the reality is, it will take time to lessen our pain. We will have to truly lean on God during this time. I don't believe it will be easy for any of us. But Steffy would want us all to smile in her honor. Steffy is rejoicing in heaven. Knowing Steff, she's probably dancing with the angels. I find comfort in that thought and I've found comfort in one of Stephanie's favorite scriptures. II Cor. 5:8, says, "We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the lord". Stephenie loved knowing that once she was absent of her body, she would be one with the Lord. It's so rare to find someone that was in her physical condition, that had such a strong faith.

Stephenie and I developed a very unique and special bond during her illness. All the days that I thought I was supposed to be there for her, holding her hand, she was the one who was there for me, holding mine. I have so many fond memories of her. She showed me what it was really like to love someone. We laughed and cried and no matter how much was going on in her life and how big her problems were, she always cared about me and the things in my life. She was truly one of my best friends. She was my sister.

Some believe that people only pass when they've accomplished all that God had intended for them to in this life, and once they pass, they are ready for their next journey in heaven. Stephenie may not have had the long life that most in this room have had or will have. She may not have accomplished a career, marriage, children and grandchildren. But Stephenie accomplished more in her short time than some will in a life time. She accomplished love. She loved her parents Frannie and Ira, she loved her siblings, Sean, Mickalene, and Janice, whom she affectionately referred to as "Little". She loved her aunts, uncles, cousin, grandparents. She loved her doctors and nurses and all those who took care of her. She valued the people who held her hand, even when there were not able to in person. She loved our niece Lidia. She loved her friends. But most importantly, she accomplished the one thing all girls want - true and unconditional love, with her hearts joy, Derick. She loved everyone in this room, but none the way she loved Derick. And Derick, although you didn't get to live your whole life with her, she got to live the better part of hers with you. She will always be your angel just as you were hers. So I believe that her life, while short, was a happy and complete one.

Stephenie loved life. The only true way to honor Stephenie, is for all of us, to live our lives well.

I love you, Steffy.

Smile

The last month has been exceptionaly difficult for me. Losing Steff is by far one of the greatest sorrows my heart has ever known. I thought that perhaps writing my feelings out, would be my own personal therapy and also a way for you all to know that girl that I love so much.

Forgive me if my thoughts run off in several directions. It's hard to keep pace when your heart is in pieces.

There are days when I wake up and the first thing I think of is her smile. That beautiful, genuine smile that brought me so much comfort. No matter how much she was hurting, emotionally or physically, she smiled. She smiled through the pain. She smile through the fear. She smiled to see me smile. And I will always love her for that.

Today was one of those days. Fridays aren't as happy without her. I used to know that on Fridays I could go and see her for as long as I wanted. I wouldn't have to worry about getting home and getting to bed in time for work the next day. Now I just look at her picture on my desk and remember the Fridays that I spent with her and the smiles she brought me.

Even in her physical absense, she still makes me smile. Tears come to my eyes when I think about how many times she made me laugh until my stomach hurt. That was one of her greatest talents.