How is it possible that it's already been nearly two months? Today is 8 weeks since we lost our beloved Stephenie. I miss her everyday. There are times when a song will come on and I will think of her and smile and other times when the tears will flood my eyes so rapidly that I don't know what happened.
On her birthday I finally made the decision to remove her number from my speed dial. I know it seems stupid, but it broke my heart. I cried and cried. I guess it's because I knew I'd never be able to call her again. I mean I already knew - I'm not blind to the fact that she's gone, it just made it so final. But accidently calling her was tearing me apart inside.
So many things have changed since she's been gone. There are so many things that I want to call and tell her. Things that I think she would get more than anyone else - things that she alone would have the answers to - things that only she would be able to fix. But she's not on the other end of the phone anymore. She's not just a car ride away. She'll never be in the other room again.
When I think about how hard it is for me I feel selfish. I can't imagine what it's like for Derick. My heart breaks for him everyday. No one should ever lose the love of their life at 19.
How is he expected to go on without her and be happy? Everything reminds him of her. He misses her so much. He deals with his grief differently than me, but I know without a doubt he is grieving more deeply than anyone else. He knew the real Stephenie more than anyone did. He was her other half and she was his.
Derick hasn't really changed since she's been gone, but his days have. He is still the same sweet, caring, selfless boy he always was. Only now he doesn’t have Steff to take care of and comfort. He is working now which is good. I think it's healthy for him to have something to occupy his time and his mind. That way he won't be trapped hour after hour in his desire to be close to her. I'm sure the nights are the hardest for him. Learning to sleep without her near him is excruciating at best.
On the weekends he spends his time trying to find a way to move forward without the other piece of his heart. He has moved out of the house that he and Steph shared. It was difficult in some ways but it was definitely necessary. I think it will help him in the healing process.
I think that as much as we don't want to move forward without her, we have to find a way. It's time to start living life again. She would want that for both of us. It just won't ever be the same without her.
I miss my Stephie.
On her birthday I finally made the decision to remove her number from my speed dial. I know it seems stupid, but it broke my heart. I cried and cried. I guess it's because I knew I'd never be able to call her again. I mean I already knew - I'm not blind to the fact that she's gone, it just made it so final. But accidently calling her was tearing me apart inside.
So many things have changed since she's been gone. There are so many things that I want to call and tell her. Things that I think she would get more than anyone else - things that she alone would have the answers to - things that only she would be able to fix. But she's not on the other end of the phone anymore. She's not just a car ride away. She'll never be in the other room again.
When I think about how hard it is for me I feel selfish. I can't imagine what it's like for Derick. My heart breaks for him everyday. No one should ever lose the love of their life at 19.
How is he expected to go on without her and be happy? Everything reminds him of her. He misses her so much. He deals with his grief differently than me, but I know without a doubt he is grieving more deeply than anyone else. He knew the real Stephenie more than anyone did. He was her other half and she was his.
Derick hasn't really changed since she's been gone, but his days have. He is still the same sweet, caring, selfless boy he always was. Only now he doesn’t have Steff to take care of and comfort. He is working now which is good. I think it's healthy for him to have something to occupy his time and his mind. That way he won't be trapped hour after hour in his desire to be close to her. I'm sure the nights are the hardest for him. Learning to sleep without her near him is excruciating at best.
On the weekends he spends his time trying to find a way to move forward without the other piece of his heart. He has moved out of the house that he and Steph shared. It was difficult in some ways but it was definitely necessary. I think it will help him in the healing process.
I think that as much as we don't want to move forward without her, we have to find a way. It's time to start living life again. She would want that for both of us. It just won't ever be the same without her.
I miss my Stephie.
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