The Best of Friends

I think this picture says everything I can't when my heart is too broken to find the right words. This was our friendship. Pure - honest - genuine - loyal - never ending.

This photograph was taken the day before she left us all here to miss her forever. I held her hand constantly through her fight. And even though I can't hold her beautiful, delicate hands anymore, her hands will hold my heart forever.

Shoe Shopping with Steff

Today I woke up with this empty feeling - like I was missing. But then I realized it wasn't me that was missing...it was my Steffy that was missing.

When Steff was sick, I focused on her. Once she passed, I focused on Derick. Now that life is starting to create it's own version of normal without her, I've become lost in my sorrow. My soul feels lost among the pieces of my broken heart.

I cried all morning. My face hurts. My heart hurts. My world is broken. So I did the one thing that always makes me feel better. I went shoe shopping. I was looking for a very specific pair of shoes. I couldn't find them anywhere...not in my size anyway.

So I went to Bakers. They had the closest to what I was looking for, but the color was still a little off. The sales girl looked at me with an expression that I struggle to find the words to describe. It was as if she knew me.

She said to me, "Go to Macy's. They will have what you're looking for. I have the shoes you want, and that's where I bought mine."

I thanked her and as I was walking out, I asked her name. With kind eyes and a gentle voice, she smiled at me and said, "Stephanie. I hope you find what you're looking for.".

I replied "Thank you Stephanie, you're my new best friend."

We both laughed and I walked out of the store. Immediately tears flooded over the rims of my eyes. I couldn't believe it. I mean, I know Stephanie is a common name, but seriously?! It was like my Steff was right there with me - shoe shopping. :-)

Even if it wasn't her, it felt like it was. For a single moment, I felt like I was shopping again with my dear, sweet, sister, Steffy.

Again? - Seriously?!

That's it! I'm over it. I hate cancer! I can't handle one more person I love telling me that they have cancer. And so you know what happens?! Exactly that!

Today someone I am very close to sits me down to tell me that he has cancer. And to make things worse, he was worried about me. He didn't think I could handle it with everything I've gone through with losing Steff. Guess what - he was right. I completely fell apart, as he predicted.

I feel like such a jerk. I should have been there for him. I should have held him. But instead, he held me. I just cried and cried. I can't do it again. I just can't.

Steff, where ever you are, please help me. I can't anymore. I need you now.

I love you, girl.

"Only The Good Die Young"

Billy Joel wrote a song that I've sang a million times - "Only the Good Die Young". Usually when I sing this song I'm having a good time and laughing, enjoying a night out away from all the pressures of daily life. But now the hook of this song plays over and over in my head for another reason.

Why is it that only the good die young? I've pondered this thought quite a bit lately. The only thing I can seem to come up with is that perhaps the young make better angels. All across the globe there has been talk that the ending days are here, that we will be the last generation to walk this planet. Could there be truth to this theory? Is it possible that God is gathering all of his best souls now to prepare for the all out war against Satan?

If this is the case, then I understand why God has chosen Steff and John. They were young, strong willed, energetic, loyal, and charismatic - all the things a good solider would need to be.

My comfort is limited in this thought though. I still find myself getting frustrated that people that don't value their lives, or commit unspeakable crimes are left to roam the Earth - with me and the other people who loved and lost these angels. I walk among the devils and the ungrateful and in their eyes I see nothing.

As a meager human I understand that I can not understand the bigger picture. I can't fathom what God has in store for us. I just have to trust. That is the hard part. I find it more and more often that I question the intention in lieu of trusting. I realize that this is not what the Bible teaches and I struggle to find may place in the world.

Heaven Has Another Angel

On Friday November 12, 2010, at 6:17 a.m., the world lost the handsome, loving, funny, kind, John William Goddard. I was not there, but I know that he was surrounded by love and God's angels.

I pray that his passing was peaceful and with as little pain as possible. I remember too well watching my sweet Steffy wither in front of my eyes, knowing I was powerless to stop her pain. My prayer was consistently that it would be painless for her. In the end, I believe she was in a euphoric state that was created by a combination of medication and the love that surrounded her. At least thats what I tell myself.

I can't imagine being the mother or wife or someone who is a victim of cancer. And yes, I use the word victim. It seems harsh, but cancer is harsh. It destroys people's worlds and takes their lives...even the one's who survive it. You'll never be the same after watching someone you love battle cancer...or if you yourself fight and somehow survive it. My heart is with Cat and Sue Goddard. I desperately wish that I had the words to comfort them. But the hard truth is that there are no words. Nothing eases that pain.

John and Steff are no longer in pain...but we, the people who love them, will forever be in a different sort of agony from enduring the loss of them. The absence of them will be in everything and everywhere - expect our memories and our hearts. For now their souls will have to dwell on through all of us.

These two angels, whom were loved by so many, never knew one another here on Earth. But I believe that now, through the clouds, past the stars and the galaxies, and beyond the pearly gates, they are friends. I think they are bonded though their battle and the love of everyone that knew them.

I hope that they can find comfrot in each other and they will find a way to comfort all of us in their absence.

Rest enternally in love and peace, Stephenie Marie Gilbert and John William Goddard. You were loved and always will be.

Innocent Eyes; Broken Heart

Last night my sweet, three year old niece, Lidia, came in into my room. She had sad eyes. This is very out of the norm for Lidi-Lou. She is always a very happy, vibrant child. But not this time.

She walked straight over to me and put her innocent little face on my shoulder and squeezed my neck so tight. I could feel her exhale deeply and her fragile body shutter slightly.

"Lou-Bug, what's wrong", I asked her in a tender concerned tone.

"Titi, I'm sad".

"What's the matter, big girl?"

"I miss Stephie. How much longer does she have to live with the angels? I want to see her."

Immediately, my heart broke. This poor innocent child can't wrap her head around that kind of loss. Her mother, father and I have all tried so hard to explain it so that it's not so scary. We tell her that Steff is gone and that now she lives with the angels and Jesus, and one day we will see her again. But of course she can't comprehend that version of good bye. In her little world, "good bye" means "see you later".

I tried as best as I could to comfort her. I hugged her tight and tried to stop my own tears from streaming down my face. I didn't want to make it worse by allowing her to see me in shambles.

"Oh, Lidia, I'm sorry, I don't know when we can see her again. It won't be for a while. But you want to know something neat?"

"Yes!" her tiny voice exclaimed.

"Even though we can't see Stephie like we used to anymore, She still watches over you and protects you. She's your guardian angel now. Isn't that neat?"

She looked at me with a confused expression. I couldn't seem to find the right words to comfort her and that broke my heart into even smaller, more jagged pieces.

"Lidia, are you ok?"

She tilted her head and said "Titi, I don't feel good and Stephie didn't feel good." Her small lips turned downward into a frown as soon as she spoke the words.

Fear ran all over my body. Does Lidia think that when she doesn't feel good that she is going to have to go live with the angels? I didn't know what to do at that moment so I did the only thing I could think of - I held her. I kissed her. I hugged her. I loved her.

I hope that in time Steff will help me find the right words to handle this situation. The truth is, I can't really comfort Lidia or explain it to her because I am still trying to understand it all myself. My world is still turned inside out and I don't know when it will feel right again...if ever at all.

Sissy's Song

When I'm really missing Steff - which is always - I think of this song. It seems to help me through the moment. I try to believe that she is happy and in no pain and where she belongs. The belief that she is safe and we will be together again is my comfort.

The title of this song is even more special because it's called Sissy's Song and she was my sister. Maybe not by blood, but but love. She was going to be my brother's wife one day, but the cards just didn't land in their favor. But no matter what, in my heart she will forever be my sister. :-)


Sissy's Song By: Alan Jackson

Why did she have to go
So young I just don't know why
Things happen half the time
Without reason without rhyme
Lovely, sweet young woman
Daughter, wife and mother
Makes no sense to me
I just have to believe

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me

Loved ones she left behind
Just trying to survive
And understand the why
Feeling so lost inside
Anger shot straight at God
Then asking for His love
Empty with disbelief
Just hoping that maybe

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me

It's hard to say goodbye
Her picture in my mind
Will always be of times I'll cherish
And I won't cry 'cause

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me
Don't worry 'bout me
Don`t worry 'bout me

Visions

As odd as it may sound I keep praying and hoping to see Steff. Every time I wake up in the morning, or walk into my room, I hope that she'll be sitting on the foot of my bed. I know this isn't possible - but why not? It has been in my world before.

When I was little, after my mom died, I could see her all the time. She would come to me in dreams and in the wind and sometimes I would literally see her. At first it would completely freak me out. But once I realized that she was just there to make it known that she would never really be gone, it wasn't so scary anymore. In fact, I loved it. It was special.

I thought that perhaps since yesterday was 2 months since she made her way to Heaven, that maybe she would come back to see me. Maybe let me know that she was at my birthday party, or that she loved her new place in the world.

I just want to see her so badly. I miss her so much that words can't explain it. But it's all I have so I do my best.

Steff, if you can somehow read this, know that I love you and miss you so much. I wished for you for my birthday this year.