Valentine's Day Starts the Year

I haven't been able to write. As much as I wanted to, as much as I think about her, my hands physically wouldn't allow me to convey my agony. It was just too hard. I suppose the tears took control of my hands every time I tried.

I thought about her constantly on Christmas Day. New Years was even more difficult. The thought of starting a new year without her was gut wrenching. Knowing for certain that she wouldn't be a part of it felt like the salt in the wound. Even after she died I still had months of knowing that she was part of that year. But not 2011 - She would never be a part of it and that thought crushes me.

Today is the first day/holiday that I've been able to think of her and still smile through the pain of not seeing her. This morning my boyfriend took his keys out of a holder in my car and as he went to shut it, I caught a glimpse of color - Steffy.

She had a little home-made key ring holder that said "Steffy" on it made of different colored beads. Derick gave it to me a few months ago when he gave her mom back the keys to the car. I put it in that little hidden holder so I wouldn't lose it. I never go in there so it was to my surprise to see anything at all.

Just as I realized what it was, the song "Wish You Were Here" by: Incubus came on. Tears immediately filled my eyes. It was so fast and rapid that I didn't know what to do. The song couldn't have been more appropriate I felt like in that moment she was completely with me - the way we were last year on Valentine's Day.

Last year - to think of her in terms of "last year" is always and forever going to be something I will hate saying, but it's the truth. Last year Steff made my day.

Last year I was alone for Valentine's Day. My "boyfriend" broke up with me via a Facebook status. Naturally, my heart and my pride were both hurt. When I spoke to Steffy, she invited me over for Valentine's Day with her and Derick so I wouldn't be alone. 

I was relucant to go. I didn't want to interrupt their time together, but once Steff has her mind made up about something there was no changing it. Now I'm so thankful for that quality in her. It was one of the best days I ever had with her.

She and Derick made us (Me, Steff, Derick & Jerrica) dinner. Derick was in charge of the meats and Steff made all the sides. It was incredible to watch her frail body, be defeated by her lively spirit. She was determined to make us all a Valentine's Day meal. And to watch her in the kitchen cooking for me was nothing short of amazing! She must have stopped and sat down 10 times from the exhaustion the Chemo caused her, but she finished the meal. I was in awe of her love.

Valentine's Day was also the day that she told me that the doctor's informed her that if she didn't start responding to treatment that she would have about 6 months left. I tried so hard to hide my fear and my pain. I wanted to be strong for her. She never showed any fear - she held strong to her faith.

We all had dinner, which was delicious by the way, and laughed and took pictures. It was a lovely night. And at the very end, when I hugged her good night she said "I love you, girl. I had fun. Lets do this again next year". I wanted to badly for her words to be possible, but deep down I think I knew that it would be my last Valentine's Day with her...and even worse, Derick's last Valentine's Day with her.

When we lost her, it was all I could think about, that on some level I robbed my baby brother of a romantic day with his sweetheart. Now that I've had the time to reflect I know that every day with them was romantic because they had each other - they had real love. I believe now that that day was just as she wanted it to be. I'm so thankful that I got to be a part of it.

I thought the void of her would be most prevalent today because it was such a special day for me last year. But the truth is, it isn't. Last year she didn't want me to be alone and so she included me in her plans. I believe that this year she didn't want me to be alone and so she guided Andree and I together. Once I saw her key chain I knew that was what she wanted. I knew without a doubt that he is my gift from her this year and I couldn't thank her more.

This last year has been bitter sweet. As hard as it's been, I know that her love is what will heal me.

I love you, girl. I had fun. Lets do this again next year. :-)

Below is a picture from that night. It's the four of us - smiling. <3 It sits on my desk as a constant reminder of how much love was shared between us all that day.