I woke up this morning in complete fear. I was consumed with this overwhelming feeling that my sweet, loving, beautiful friend Steff had died - and then I realized that is my reality.

One year ago today was the very last time that I ever had the opportunity to allow my warm fingers to be entangled in her sleek, slender fingers. It was the last time I ever caressed her angelic, peaceful face. And the last time that I ever got to say, "I'll see you later, pretty. I love you." and she could still hear me.

I remember walking out of her house that night and thinking "I'll see you tomorrow" and off I went to Leah's so she could dye my hair and I could eat dinner and grab fresh clothes. I remember everything about it. What Steff was wearing, the way her skin smelled, the music that played. The way Derick complained and complained that she'd rather listen to Usher than Gospel music. (That memory still makes me smile).

I sat next to her for the majority of the day and spoke softly into her ears and hoped that she could hear me. I just wanted my friend to know that she wasn't alone. We all took turns holding her hand, and talking to her, and massaging her ballerina feet. She had the most beautiful feet.

My thoughts and feelings are all over the place. I can't seem to hold on to one emotion for very long before my heart is tugging me in another direction. The part I hate is that no direction my heart can tug me will ever lead me back to that moment where I knew that she was here, amung the people that she loved and the people that loved her. I won't ever be able to crawl into bed next to her and watch Kat Von D and talk about the next tattoos that we'd get, or the hours we'd spend online looking for new cute outfits for when she'd be better and we could go to dinner. WHY?! I just want those moments back. I feel like I'd trade anything to have them. I'd trade anything to have her back...even if it meant trading places. I could make that deal for her.

Maybe I'll write later when I can see the screen clearly. The way I once saw everything. The way things used to be before Cancer came in and took my friend from me. No, I'm wrong. There will never be a time when I can think of her pain and not cry. Even if it's only on the inside. I will always cry for her. I will always miss her. And today, all I can think about is how much I wish she was still here.