From the minute I opened my eyes this morning, I was thinking about you. Maybe even before I woke up. Actually, I haven't been able to stop thinking about you for weeks. I miss you so much it hurts. I often find myself just off in thought and it's almost always about you.
The other day at work, Nicole asked me why I don't write in my Steffy blog anymore. I answered "I don't know." So I started thinking about it and I've concluded that it's simply our of fear of crying. When I process the fact that I am writing about you/to you, it tears me open. It's gut wrenching to know you're not here anymore. I suppose I felt as if though I were reliving your death and all the pain and chaos left in the wake of it. But that's not why I began started this blog - this blog was my therapy. I think it should be again.
Last night I went and got a new "Fuck Cancer" - "Team Steffy" shirt made. I wanted to remember you this year - in a way I wasn't able to last year. Last year made the title of this blog ring even truer than when intentionally inspired.
August 31st 2010 took you, the love of Derick's life, away. It broke him. A part of him, maybe even all of him, died with you that morning. He was never the same after you died. Irony came into play when Chevelle, Derick's daughter, was born at 12:09 a.m. August 31st, 2011. I had hoped that she would be born before mid-night. I wasn't ready or willing to share that day, but there was nothing I could do. I wanted that day to be just your day. I didn't want anyone to ever forget that we lost you that day.
But she stole my heart in a way I never anticipated. After I held her, I felt...calm. I don't know. It wasn't what I thought. I loved her instantly. She was to be the new love of Derick's life and I found comfort in that thought.
I wanted to see you today - I've wanted to go a thousand times, but I just can't bring myself you face your grave. I just want to sit and have a margarita with you and shoot the breeze like before.
I fucking hate cancer!!! I hate what it did to you, and the way it took you from me...from all of us! I miss you. I just want to hug you, and tickle your arm, and let you cut off every other sentence. haha. I bet you never thought I'd miss that - me either!!! I just miss you!
Every time I eat at Kobe I think of you. I think of you when I see fabulous shoes, and when I hear "O.M.G.". I think of you when I see pink, when I see Hello Kitty anything... I think about you when I have slurpees!! I think about you when I see Little on Facebook and when I watch Derick not be the boy you loved because he's he's so lost.
Lidia miss you too! She started school this week and Jerrica told me that she keeps drawing pictures of a girl with a circle around her head, and when Jerri asked her why there was a circle, Lidia said "It's Steffy in Heaven." She misses you so much.
We all miss you so much. I officially can't see the keyboard anymore, so maybe this is a good time to just say, I love you and I miss you more than I can ever put into words. I just hope you know that me loving Elle doesn't mean I don't miss you. I do, I miss you everyday, and there isn't a day I don't wish for you back. But Elle's sweet face eases the sharp edges of the whole in my heart. She makes it a little easier to endure.
I love you. May your beautiful body rest in peace and your soul rock out forever. I love you, Steffy!!!
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