Yesterday was Christmas - your favorite holiday. I thought about you so many times throughout the day. For the first time in more years than I can count, we were all together...with a few additions and missing one beautiful soul - yours.
This year, Andree and I, Jerrica, Lidia AND Jon, Derick, Jessica, Chevelle and Monroe all went to my grandmothers for Christmas. It's been about 8 or 9 years since we've all been together, and even longer if were talking about spending it all together and with my grandma as well.
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
Friday, August 31, 2012
August 31st - Bitter Sweet
From the minute I opened my eyes this morning, I was thinking about you. Maybe even before I woke up. Actually, I haven't been able to stop thinking about you for weeks. I miss you so much it hurts. I often find myself just off in thought and it's almost always about you.
The other day at work, Nicole asked me why I don't write in my Steffy blog anymore. I answered "I don't know." So I started thinking about it and I've concluded that it's simply our of fear of crying. When I process the fact that I am writing about you/to you, it tears me open. It's gut wrenching to know you're not here anymore. I suppose I felt as if though I were reliving your death and all the pain and chaos left in the wake of it. But that's not why I began started this blog - this blog was my therapy. I think it should be again.
Last night I went and got a new "Fuck Cancer" - "Team Steffy" shirt made. I wanted to remember you this year - in a way I wasn't able to last year. Last year made the title of this blog ring even truer than when intentionally inspired.
August 31st 2010 took you, the love of Derick's life, away. It broke him. A part of him, maybe even all of him, died with you that morning. He was never the same after you died. Irony came into play when Chevelle, Derick's daughter, was born at 12:09 a.m. August 31st, 2011. I had hoped that she would be born before mid-night. I wasn't ready or willing to share that day, but there was nothing I could do. I wanted that day to be just your day. I didn't want anyone to ever forget that we lost you that day.
But she stole my heart in a way I never anticipated. After I held her, I felt...calm. I don't know. It wasn't what I thought. I loved her instantly. She was to be the new love of Derick's life and I found comfort in that thought.
I wanted to see you today - I've wanted to go a thousand times, but I just can't bring myself you face your grave. I just want to sit and have a margarita with you and shoot the breeze like before.
I fucking hate cancer!!! I hate what it did to you, and the way it took you from me...from all of us! I miss you. I just want to hug you, and tickle your arm, and let you cut off every other sentence. haha. I bet you never thought I'd miss that - me either!!! I just miss you!
Every time I eat at Kobe I think of you. I think of you when I see fabulous shoes, and when I hear "O.M.G.". I think of you when I see pink, when I see Hello Kitty anything... I think about you when I have slurpees!! I think about you when I see Little on Facebook and when I watch Derick not be the boy you loved because he's he's so lost.
Lidia miss you too! She started school this week and Jerrica told me that she keeps drawing pictures of a girl with a circle around her head, and when Jerri asked her why there was a circle, Lidia said "It's Steffy in Heaven." She misses you so much.
We all miss you so much. I officially can't see the keyboard anymore, so maybe this is a good time to just say, I love you and I miss you more than I can ever put into words. I just hope you know that me loving Elle doesn't mean I don't miss you. I do, I miss you everyday, and there isn't a day I don't wish for you back. But Elle's sweet face eases the sharp edges of the whole in my heart. She makes it a little easier to endure.
I love you. May your beautiful body rest in peace and your soul rock out forever. I love you, Steffy!!!
The other day at work, Nicole asked me why I don't write in my Steffy blog anymore. I answered "I don't know." So I started thinking about it and I've concluded that it's simply our of fear of crying. When I process the fact that I am writing about you/to you, it tears me open. It's gut wrenching to know you're not here anymore. I suppose I felt as if though I were reliving your death and all the pain and chaos left in the wake of it. But that's not why I began started this blog - this blog was my therapy. I think it should be again.
Last night I went and got a new "Fuck Cancer" - "Team Steffy" shirt made. I wanted to remember you this year - in a way I wasn't able to last year. Last year made the title of this blog ring even truer than when intentionally inspired.
August 31st 2010 took you, the love of Derick's life, away. It broke him. A part of him, maybe even all of him, died with you that morning. He was never the same after you died. Irony came into play when Chevelle, Derick's daughter, was born at 12:09 a.m. August 31st, 2011. I had hoped that she would be born before mid-night. I wasn't ready or willing to share that day, but there was nothing I could do. I wanted that day to be just your day. I didn't want anyone to ever forget that we lost you that day.
But she stole my heart in a way I never anticipated. After I held her, I felt...calm. I don't know. It wasn't what I thought. I loved her instantly. She was to be the new love of Derick's life and I found comfort in that thought.
I wanted to see you today - I've wanted to go a thousand times, but I just can't bring myself you face your grave. I just want to sit and have a margarita with you and shoot the breeze like before.
I fucking hate cancer!!! I hate what it did to you, and the way it took you from me...from all of us! I miss you. I just want to hug you, and tickle your arm, and let you cut off every other sentence. haha. I bet you never thought I'd miss that - me either!!! I just miss you!
Every time I eat at Kobe I think of you. I think of you when I see fabulous shoes, and when I hear "O.M.G.". I think of you when I see pink, when I see Hello Kitty anything... I think about you when I have slurpees!! I think about you when I see Little on Facebook and when I watch Derick not be the boy you loved because he's he's so lost.
Lidia miss you too! She started school this week and Jerrica told me that she keeps drawing pictures of a girl with a circle around her head, and when Jerri asked her why there was a circle, Lidia said "It's Steffy in Heaven." She misses you so much.
We all miss you so much. I officially can't see the keyboard anymore, so maybe this is a good time to just say, I love you and I miss you more than I can ever put into words. I just hope you know that me loving Elle doesn't mean I don't miss you. I do, I miss you everyday, and there isn't a day I don't wish for you back. But Elle's sweet face eases the sharp edges of the whole in my heart. She makes it a little easier to endure.
I love you. May your beautiful body rest in peace and your soul rock out forever. I love you, Steffy!!!
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Spetember 3, 2011 - One Whole Year
I must have thought about this moment a million times. The moment when it would be exactly one whole year since the day she left us all here to miss her forever. And it's nothing like what I thought it would be.
Last year on this day I remember waking up with complete heart break feeling and thinking, "Tia, you have to pull it together. Steff needs you today.", and so I did. I got up, I dressed for her funeral. I must have looked at her picture a hundred times thinking about how much I didn't want that day to exist. But the reality was that it did exist. My sweet, beautiful friend was no longer here with us.
Today is exactly one year since her funeral and therefore the beginning of a whole new life. A life without my beloved Stephenie Marie Gilbert. A life that I'm still not quite ready for.
Last year on this day I remember waking up with complete heart break feeling and thinking, "Tia, you have to pull it together. Steff needs you today.", and so I did. I got up, I dressed for her funeral. I must have looked at her picture a hundred times thinking about how much I didn't want that day to exist. But the reality was that it did exist. My sweet, beautiful friend was no longer here with us.
Today is exactly one year since her funeral and therefore the beginning of a whole new life. A life without my beloved Stephenie Marie Gilbert. A life that I'm still not quite ready for.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
I woke up this morning in complete fear. I was consumed with this overwhelming feeling that my sweet, loving, beautiful friend Steff had died - and then I realized that is my reality.
One year ago today was the very last time that I ever had the opportunity to allow my warm fingers to be entangled in her sleek, slender fingers. It was the last time I ever caressed her angelic, peaceful face. And the last time that I ever got to say, "I'll see you later, pretty. I love you." and she could still hear me.
I remember walking out of her house that night and thinking "I'll see you tomorrow" and off I went to Leah's so she could dye my hair and I could eat dinner and grab fresh clothes. I remember everything about it. What Steff was wearing, the way her skin smelled, the music that played. The way Derick complained and complained that she'd rather listen to Usher than Gospel music. (That memory still makes me smile).
I sat next to her for the majority of the day and spoke softly into her ears and hoped that she could hear me. I just wanted my friend to know that she wasn't alone. We all took turns holding her hand, and talking to her, and massaging her ballerina feet. She had the most beautiful feet.
My thoughts and feelings are all over the place. I can't seem to hold on to one emotion for very long before my heart is tugging me in another direction. The part I hate is that no direction my heart can tug me will ever lead me back to that moment where I knew that she was here, amung the people that she loved and the people that loved her. I won't ever be able to crawl into bed next to her and watch Kat Von D and talk about the next tattoos that we'd get, or the hours we'd spend online looking for new cute outfits for when she'd be better and we could go to dinner. WHY?! I just want those moments back. I feel like I'd trade anything to have them. I'd trade anything to have her back...even if it meant trading places. I could make that deal for her.
Maybe I'll write later when I can see the screen clearly. The way I once saw everything. The way things used to be before Cancer came in and took my friend from me. No, I'm wrong. There will never be a time when I can think of her pain and not cry. Even if it's only on the inside. I will always cry for her. I will always miss her. And today, all I can think about is how much I wish she was still here.
One year ago today was the very last time that I ever had the opportunity to allow my warm fingers to be entangled in her sleek, slender fingers. It was the last time I ever caressed her angelic, peaceful face. And the last time that I ever got to say, "I'll see you later, pretty. I love you." and she could still hear me.
I remember walking out of her house that night and thinking "I'll see you tomorrow" and off I went to Leah's so she could dye my hair and I could eat dinner and grab fresh clothes. I remember everything about it. What Steff was wearing, the way her skin smelled, the music that played. The way Derick complained and complained that she'd rather listen to Usher than Gospel music. (That memory still makes me smile).
I sat next to her for the majority of the day and spoke softly into her ears and hoped that she could hear me. I just wanted my friend to know that she wasn't alone. We all took turns holding her hand, and talking to her, and massaging her ballerina feet. She had the most beautiful feet.
My thoughts and feelings are all over the place. I can't seem to hold on to one emotion for very long before my heart is tugging me in another direction. The part I hate is that no direction my heart can tug me will ever lead me back to that moment where I knew that she was here, amung the people that she loved and the people that loved her. I won't ever be able to crawl into bed next to her and watch Kat Von D and talk about the next tattoos that we'd get, or the hours we'd spend online looking for new cute outfits for when she'd be better and we could go to dinner. WHY?! I just want those moments back. I feel like I'd trade anything to have them. I'd trade anything to have her back...even if it meant trading places. I could make that deal for her.
Maybe I'll write later when I can see the screen clearly. The way I once saw everything. The way things used to be before Cancer came in and took my friend from me. No, I'm wrong. There will never be a time when I can think of her pain and not cry. Even if it's only on the inside. I will always cry for her. I will always miss her. And today, all I can think about is how much I wish she was still here.
Friday, July 22, 2011
A Poem or Something Like It
She held her hand
She watched her fight
She watched the life slowly slip from her chocolate brown eyes
She clung to hope and tried to believe
That her beautiful friend would overcome this vicious disease
She wished away her pain, and wished away her fear
She would make herself smile and hide her own tears
When her Angel went Home, her heart was crushed,
She was consumed with grief
To honor the girl she loved so much
She tattooed Live Laugh Love between angel wings
It’s been a year and somehow she still can’t escape
The pain that accompanies the absence if her sweet face.
When she lost that sweet smile, she lost her own in the same second
And the only comfort she has is knowing that her beloved friend is free of pain and
Dancing in Heaven
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Dear Tia...
Brenda gave me an assignment to write a letter from Stephenie to myself. I have been avoiding it all week. I know that when I do this it's going to break my heart in a way that I don't want to deal with. But I suppose that's the whole point of therapy. Hurt until the pains goes away. So here goes...
Hey Girl,
I see you, I feel you, and I love you. I know that my absence has been difficult for you, but what you don't realize is that I'm not really gone. I'm still there, right next to you the way I always was. I'm in everything you do and everything you love because you keep me there. You keep my memory alive in your heart and in your stories and in your unconditional love.
I know that you feel like you've lost me, like you've lost your friend and sister, but you haven't. I'm always going to be just as you remember me. You've etched my face and love into your heart forever. You keep me safe there. However, I have lost my friend and sister. You are no longer the girl I love so much. You're so broken and sad. That's not my Tia. My Tia is beautiful and lively. She is the girl that I could always count on no matter what. She was the girl who always had an opinion and could make me see things no one else could. She is the girl who held my hand with so much love during the most painful days of my life. Where is my Tia? Please be that girl again. The girl that everyone loves, the girl I love and the girl you love.
Now that I am freed of my illness, and the pain it caused me, I am able to dance freely in the radiance of God's love. But it's not Heaven if I have to worry about you. Please let your heart heal. Not being devastated every day of your life doesn't mean that you don't love me anymore or that you're forgetting our special friendship. The closeness we shared is unbreakable no matter how many worlds apart we are now.
Take care of my baby. I know he's hurting too. Please get him to open up and heal with you. You both deserve it and it's what I want. Please let my love heal you.
I love you, girl. Always, forever, and then some. <3
Love,
Steffy Weffy
Hey Girl,
I see you, I feel you, and I love you. I know that my absence has been difficult for you, but what you don't realize is that I'm not really gone. I'm still there, right next to you the way I always was. I'm in everything you do and everything you love because you keep me there. You keep my memory alive in your heart and in your stories and in your unconditional love.
I know that you feel like you've lost me, like you've lost your friend and sister, but you haven't. I'm always going to be just as you remember me. You've etched my face and love into your heart forever. You keep me safe there. However, I have lost my friend and sister. You are no longer the girl I love so much. You're so broken and sad. That's not my Tia. My Tia is beautiful and lively. She is the girl that I could always count on no matter what. She was the girl who always had an opinion and could make me see things no one else could. She is the girl who held my hand with so much love during the most painful days of my life. Where is my Tia? Please be that girl again. The girl that everyone loves, the girl I love and the girl you love.
Now that I am freed of my illness, and the pain it caused me, I am able to dance freely in the radiance of God's love. But it's not Heaven if I have to worry about you. Please let your heart heal. Not being devastated every day of your life doesn't mean that you don't love me anymore or that you're forgetting our special friendship. The closeness we shared is unbreakable no matter how many worlds apart we are now.
Take care of my baby. I know he's hurting too. Please get him to open up and heal with you. You both deserve it and it's what I want. Please let my love heal you.
I love you, girl. Always, forever, and then some. <3
Love,
Steffy Weffy
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Just Because I Miss You
In the mornings I think about you most. I have that picture of you, Derick, Jerrica and me on my desk and it's the first thing I see when I get to work. I look at it at least 100 times a day. The smile on your face is my favorite part of that photo.
I miss your smile. I miss your laugh. I miss your soft skin and your sweet cheeks. I miss everything, but I think I miss your voice the most. I miss hearing the sing song sound your voice carried through the room because I miss talking to you.
Sometimes when I'm in the car and I hear a song that reminds me of you I pretend that you're still sitting next to me, laughing and singing along, like you once did. I suppose it makes me feel close to you when we're worlds apart.
The distance between us may be vast but the closeness we shared while you were here will never be changed. I will carry you with me always. I will remember you always. And I will love you always.
I miss your smile. I miss your laugh. I miss your soft skin and your sweet cheeks. I miss everything, but I think I miss your voice the most. I miss hearing the sing song sound your voice carried through the room because I miss talking to you.
Sometimes when I'm in the car and I hear a song that reminds me of you I pretend that you're still sitting next to me, laughing and singing along, like you once did. I suppose it makes me feel close to you when we're worlds apart.
The distance between us may be vast but the closeness we shared while you were here will never be changed. I will carry you with me always. I will remember you always. And I will love you always.
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