Room 4012

I never thought I'd miss going to the hospital. But now I do. I would give anything to walk through those cold halls that lead to room 4012, open the door that lead to her bright brown eyes and hug her. She somehow made that room her own. She had pictures of us in it, and her cute Hello Kitty outfits and her endless blankets.

It's hard to think of anyone else having that room now because in my mind, it's hers. I imagine that Steff is looking over whatever child now has that room. That she somehow, in her angel state of being, brings them comfort.

As many times as I went to see her in the hospital, now it seems like it wasn't enough. She'd always tell me not to come and that she wanted me to have fun on my weekends and that she'd just see me when she got home. Sometimes I'd ignore her and go anyways. Other times I would choose to believe her.

In part I suppose it was because I didn't want her to ever feel like I went out of pity or obligation. And other times, I was terrified that I'd make her feel as if though I didn't believe she'd make it home. I needed her to always know that I believed in her. That I knew she was a fighter!

Some of her closest friends became the nurses and staff on her floor. She loved them and they loved her. I mean, how could they not? She was funny as all hell. Not to mention, she constantly had Derick going to Krispy Kreme to get donuts. :-)

To say the entire hospital knew Derick is an understatement. There wasn't a place in that hospital that he went where they didn't know him by name. He was after all there just as much as Steff was. He would never leave her unless he had to.

Sometimes when I was there visiting, I would just sit and watch them. I would watch her beautiful eyes follow him around the room. You could see when she looked at him how much he meant to her. He would pick things up around the room in an attempt to make it as much like home as possible.

While Steff was sleeping, he would browse the internet looking something to make her smile. Something to surprise her with. And since Steff was a true girly girl, it was usually a gorgeous ring or necklace. The boy has good taste.

Whenever he would leave the room he would always kiss her. It didn't matter why he was leaving or for how long he would be gone. He always kissed the girl he called "Baby". Sometimes she would wake up and ask him where he was going and when he'd be back. Other times she would wake up from his gentle kiss, smile slightly, and drift back off to her dreams, where they held hands and laughed the way they once had. Then there were times, where she was in so much pain or on so much medication, that she wouldn't even open her eyes. But aware or not, Derick kissed her all the same. There was never a time, he didn't kiss her beautiful face good bye.

I remember the last day I ever spent in that room with her. It was a happy day. Derick had called me at work to let me know we were finally taking her home. I immediately left work and hurried to the hospital. I had after all been there the first day she was admitted and I wanted to be there the last day she'd ever have to be there.

As all things at hospitals usually do, everything took forever. Stephenie was so annoyed that it was taking so long to release her. She was ready to be home, in her bed, with her sweet puppy Spike, and her handsome love Derick.

She made me laugh so hard when they were making arrangements for the ambulance to come and bring her home.  She threw a fit. In her opinion it was pointless to have them come when Derick had the car to bring her home in. Of course we all explained why it was best and in the end she agreed.

The moment I realized that I'd never be going back to the hospital room to see her was one of the happiest and most devastating feelings I've ever had. I was half way home when I realized that I wasn't ever going back there to see her. Not because she was all of the sudden better. But because treatment was no longer an option for my sweet Stephanie.

When you open your eyes to the thought of losing someone so important to you, your heart breaks in a way that can never really heal. There is nothing that will ever fill that void. Steff has a place in my heart that is hers alone.