Spetember 3, 2011 - One Whole Year

I must have thought about this moment a million times. The moment when it would be exactly one whole year since the day she left us all here to miss her forever. And it's nothing like what I thought it would be.

Last year on this day I remember waking up with complete heart break feeling and thinking, "Tia, you have to pull it together. Steff needs you today.", and so I did. I got up, I dressed for her funeral. I must have looked at her picture a hundred times thinking about how much I didn't want that day to exist. But the reality was that it did exist. My sweet, beautiful friend was no longer here with us.

Today is exactly one year since her funeral and therefore the beginning of a whole new life. A life without my beloved Stephenie Marie Gilbert. A life that I'm still not quite ready for.

I woke up this morning in complete fear. I was consumed with this overwhelming feeling that my sweet, loving, beautiful friend Steff had died - and then I realized that is my reality.

One year ago today was the very last time that I ever had the opportunity to allow my warm fingers to be entangled in her sleek, slender fingers. It was the last time I ever caressed her angelic, peaceful face. And the last time that I ever got to say, "I'll see you later, pretty. I love you." and she could still hear me.

I remember walking out of her house that night and thinking "I'll see you tomorrow" and off I went to Leah's so she could dye my hair and I could eat dinner and grab fresh clothes. I remember everything about it. What Steff was wearing, the way her skin smelled, the music that played. The way Derick complained and complained that she'd rather listen to Usher than Gospel music. (That memory still makes me smile).

I sat next to her for the majority of the day and spoke softly into her ears and hoped that she could hear me. I just wanted my friend to know that she wasn't alone. We all took turns holding her hand, and talking to her, and massaging her ballerina feet. She had the most beautiful feet.

My thoughts and feelings are all over the place. I can't seem to hold on to one emotion for very long before my heart is tugging me in another direction. The part I hate is that no direction my heart can tug me will ever lead me back to that moment where I knew that she was here, amung the people that she loved and the people that loved her. I won't ever be able to crawl into bed next to her and watch Kat Von D and talk about the next tattoos that we'd get, or the hours we'd spend online looking for new cute outfits for when she'd be better and we could go to dinner. WHY?! I just want those moments back. I feel like I'd trade anything to have them. I'd trade anything to have her back...even if it meant trading places. I could make that deal for her.

Maybe I'll write later when I can see the screen clearly. The way I once saw everything. The way things used to be before Cancer came in and took my friend from me. No, I'm wrong. There will never be a time when I can think of her pain and not cry. Even if it's only on the inside. I will always cry for her. I will always miss her. And today, all I can think about is how much I wish she was still here.

A Poem or Something Like It

She held her hand

She watched her fight

She watched the life slowly slip from her chocolate brown eyes

She clung to hope and tried to believe

That her beautiful friend would overcome this vicious disease

She wished away her pain, and wished away her fear

She would make herself smile and hide her own tears

When her Angel went Home, her heart was crushed,

She was consumed with grief

To honor the girl she loved so much

She tattooed Live Laugh Love between angel wings

It’s been a year and somehow she still can’t escape

The pain that accompanies the absence if her sweet face.

When she lost that sweet smile, she lost her own in the same second

And the only comfort she has is knowing that her beloved friend is free of pain and

Dancing in Heaven

Dear Tia...

Brenda gave me an assignment to write a letter from Stephenie to myself. I have been avoiding it all week. I know that when I do this it's going to break my heart in a way that I don't want to deal with. But I suppose that's the whole point of therapy. Hurt until the pains goes away. So here goes...



Hey Girl,

I see you, I feel you, and I love you. I know that my absence has been difficult for you, but what you don't realize is that I'm not really gone. I'm still there, right next to you the way I always was. I'm in everything you do and everything you love because you keep me there. You keep my memory alive in your heart and in your stories and in your unconditional love.

I know that you feel like you've lost me, like you've lost your friend and sister, but you haven't. I'm always going to be just as you remember me. You've etched my face and love into your heart forever. You keep me safe there. However, I have lost my friend and sister. You are no longer the girl I love so much. You're so broken and sad. That's not my Tia. My Tia is beautiful and lively. She is the girl that I could always count on no matter what. She was the girl who always had an opinion and could make me see things no one else could. She is the girl who held my hand with so much love during the most painful days of my life. Where is my Tia? Please be that girl again. The girl that everyone loves, the girl I love and the girl you love.

Now that I am freed of my illness, and the pain it caused me, I am able to dance freely in the radiance of God's love. But it's not Heaven if I have to worry about you. Please let your heart heal. Not being devastated every day of your life doesn't mean that you don't love me anymore or that you're forgetting our special friendship. The closeness we shared is unbreakable no matter how many worlds apart we are now. 

Take care of my baby. I know he's hurting too. Please get him to open up and heal with you. You both deserve it and it's what I want. Please let my love heal you.

I love you, girl.  Always, forever, and then some. <3

Love,

Steffy Weffy

Just Because I Miss You

In the mornings I think about you most. I have that picture of you, Derick, Jerrica and me on my desk and it's the first thing I see when I get to work. I look at it at least 100 times a day. The smile on your face is my favorite part of that photo.

I miss your smile. I miss your laugh. I miss your soft skin and your sweet cheeks. I miss everything, but I think I miss your voice the most. I miss hearing the sing song sound your voice carried through the room because I miss talking to you.

Sometimes when I'm in the car and I hear a song that reminds me of you I pretend that you're still sitting next to me, laughing and singing along, like you once did. I suppose it makes me feel close to you when we're worlds apart.

The distance between us may be vast but the closeness we shared while you were here will never be changed. I will carry you with me always. I will remember you always. And I will love you always.

Trying...

I've heard that the longer someone is gone from your life, the easier it becomes. You learn to live your days without them. I have adjusted as best as I can to knowing that I won't see you anymore, but it hasn't gotten any easier. I keep waiting for that part to kick in.

I miss you all the time, Steff. On Easter Sunday it was nearly unbearable. I cried for you all morning. Knowing that last year Derick and your mom brought you home from the hospital for the day, and I brought you that silly bunny and chocolate eggs, even though I knew you wouldn't eat them. This year all I could do was look your photo and miss you. It felt surreal.

Watching Derick try and live without you is even more difficult to bare than my own pain. He is doing his best to "move on", but everyone can see how wounded his heart still is. I think everyone can see it but him sometimes. He believes that he has grieved you, or at least he wants to believe it. But the brokenness shows through his strong exterior and shatters the possibility of healed heart every time your name is mentioned. It breaks me to watch him hurt for you.

I know that he has to move on. I just don't know how to feel sometimes. I try to be supportive. I try to accept things as they are and look at the bright side, but sometimes I feel like I'm just not ready to let you go. In my heart, you're still his girl and that is hard for me to let go of.

I don't want to ever betray your memory or our friendship and that is what I struggle the most with now. I suppose there would never be a time when I'd be ready to let you go or let go of you two being together. Maybe no matter how much time passes I will still hurt to see him with someone else because I always thought it was going to be you - forever. And him moving on is just a reminder that you're never coming back no matter how many times I wish it to be reality

Just know that no matter what, I will always love you and so will he. No one can ever replace you, not for a second.

There Is No Reason

When I was a little girl someone told me that tears were a gift from God to wash away all the pain. As a child, I found comfort in this notion. It made sense to my fragile heart because I always felt better after I cried. Lately nothing works. Sometimes it feels as if though I'm going to run out of tears I cry for you so often. Why can't the tears wash away the pain of not having you anymore? Why?!

I keep trying to make sense of it all. But the more I try to analyze it and find a reason that I can accept, the more frustrated I get. Apparently grief can make you believe things have a reason when they don't. There was no reason for you to die - especially not in the vicious way you did. There is no lesson to be learned. It just is what it is. All I can do is say Fuck Cancer!!!  and even that doesn't help. It just makes me feel better to have something to blame I guess. I miss you so much. My heart aches for you, Steff.

I miss your pretty face. I miss your contagious laugh, I miss your friendship. I miss your understanding demeanor. I just miss you - everything about you. What I would give for you to interrupt me (I never thought I'd miss that and yet somehow I do) just one more time.

Your memory is a keepsake from which I’ll never part, God has you in his arm, and I have you in my heart!

Love you, girl. <3

Dreams

It finally happened! Since Steff died 6 months ago I have been hoping and praying that she would come to me in my dreams and last night she did. It was the best feeling I've had in a long time.

The dream was slightly odd though. The scene of the dream was her funeral - only She was there. She was walking around among the many people that loved her. She was staring them right in the face and no one could see her but me. She looked radiant.

She had thick beautiful blond locks and slightly pink cheeks. Her eyes were wide and alert in a way I had not seen them in so long. Her body looked healthy and sturdy. Her skin was gently sun kissed and seemed as warm as freshly baked apple pie. She had on a green flowing top that was snug around the top and lose around the bottom, with dark colored fitted jeans and brown strappy sandals with pink and green embellishments on the top. I loved seeing her the way I remember my sweet Steffy. She looked so alive

We spoke briefly but frequently throughout the whole dream. Her voice sounded so sweet and angelic. I just hope that she comes again and we can talk, but until then I will hang on to the sound of her voice with everything I have.

Half Way Point

I can't believe it's been 6 months since we lost your smile and our own in the same moment. I think about you everyday. I do everything I can to hold on to the sound of your voice, to the scent of your skin, to the feeling of your love. Every day I make a genuine effort to not lose any piece of you. I can't bare the thought of forgetting anything at all.

A half of a year has past already. How on Earth is it possible? I think about all the days that you fought and how it seemed that your days of agony would never end, and now it seems like mine won't. I try so hard to be strong. I try to put on a brave face and remember that you're no longer within reach of the wrath that cancer unleashed on you.  It's the only thought that keeps me from completely falling apart.

I hate that I can't hold your hand like I did so many times before. I hate that now the only way I can talk to you is in a blog. I hate that I can't bring myself to your grave. I want to visit so badly, but thinking of kneeling next to the Earth and knowing that you're inside of it and not on top of it where you belong, is more than I think my broken heart can take right now.

You made this place so beautiful, Steffy. I'm sure that you're beaming smile and brilliant chocolate brown eyes are shinning beauty over each and every inch of Heaven. Until we see each other again...I love you...

"Momma, Can I Have This One?"

Recently my sister Jerrica and my niece Lidia moved into their own apartment. While Jerrica was unpacking, Lidia was playing in her new room. Jerrica walked in to check on her and found her baby girl starring at a picture of Derick and Steff at the beach. When I saw it my heart was immediately heavy.

When Lidia realized that Jerrica was watching her, she said in her sweet little voice, "Momma, can I have this one?". And of course Jerrica would never take it from her. It's really all she has left of Steffy now.

It's incredible that of all the pictures, of all the people, this is one she was insistant on holding on to. Lidia didn't get to spend very much time with Steff in the months before she passed because she was so ill. And Lidia is only 3 years old so it astonishes me how much Lidia remembers her. The only thing I can attribute that to is how close she and Steff were and how much they loved each other.

Somestimes out of no where Lidia will just say to me, "Titi, I miss Steffy", and all I can say back is "Me too, Big Girl. Me too."

Valentine's Day Starts the Year

I haven't been able to write. As much as I wanted to, as much as I think about her, my hands physically wouldn't allow me to convey my agony. It was just too hard. I suppose the tears took control of my hands every time I tried.

I thought about her constantly on Christmas Day. New Years was even more difficult. The thought of starting a new year without her was gut wrenching. Knowing for certain that she wouldn't be a part of it felt like the salt in the wound. Even after she died I still had months of knowing that she was part of that year. But not 2011 - She would never be a part of it and that thought crushes me.

Today is the first day/holiday that I've been able to think of her and still smile through the pain of not seeing her. This morning my boyfriend took his keys out of a holder in my car and as he went to shut it, I caught a glimpse of color - Steffy.

She had a little home-made key ring holder that said "Steffy" on it made of different colored beads. Derick gave it to me a few months ago when he gave her mom back the keys to the car. I put it in that little hidden holder so I wouldn't lose it. I never go in there so it was to my surprise to see anything at all.

Just as I realized what it was, the song "Wish You Were Here" by: Incubus came on. Tears immediately filled my eyes. It was so fast and rapid that I didn't know what to do. The song couldn't have been more appropriate I felt like in that moment she was completely with me - the way we were last year on Valentine's Day.

Last year - to think of her in terms of "last year" is always and forever going to be something I will hate saying, but it's the truth. Last year Steff made my day.

Last year I was alone for Valentine's Day. My "boyfriend" broke up with me via a Facebook status. Naturally, my heart and my pride were both hurt. When I spoke to Steffy, she invited me over for Valentine's Day with her and Derick so I wouldn't be alone. 

I was relucant to go. I didn't want to interrupt their time together, but once Steff has her mind made up about something there was no changing it. Now I'm so thankful for that quality in her. It was one of the best days I ever had with her.

She and Derick made us (Me, Steff, Derick & Jerrica) dinner. Derick was in charge of the meats and Steff made all the sides. It was incredible to watch her frail body, be defeated by her lively spirit. She was determined to make us all a Valentine's Day meal. And to watch her in the kitchen cooking for me was nothing short of amazing! She must have stopped and sat down 10 times from the exhaustion the Chemo caused her, but she finished the meal. I was in awe of her love.

Valentine's Day was also the day that she told me that the doctor's informed her that if she didn't start responding to treatment that she would have about 6 months left. I tried so hard to hide my fear and my pain. I wanted to be strong for her. She never showed any fear - she held strong to her faith.

We all had dinner, which was delicious by the way, and laughed and took pictures. It was a lovely night. And at the very end, when I hugged her good night she said "I love you, girl. I had fun. Lets do this again next year". I wanted to badly for her words to be possible, but deep down I think I knew that it would be my last Valentine's Day with her...and even worse, Derick's last Valentine's Day with her.

When we lost her, it was all I could think about, that on some level I robbed my baby brother of a romantic day with his sweetheart. Now that I've had the time to reflect I know that every day with them was romantic because they had each other - they had real love. I believe now that that day was just as she wanted it to be. I'm so thankful that I got to be a part of it.

I thought the void of her would be most prevalent today because it was such a special day for me last year. But the truth is, it isn't. Last year she didn't want me to be alone and so she included me in her plans. I believe that this year she didn't want me to be alone and so she guided Andree and I together. Once I saw her key chain I knew that was what she wanted. I knew without a doubt that he is my gift from her this year and I couldn't thank her more.

This last year has been bitter sweet. As hard as it's been, I know that her love is what will heal me.

I love you, girl. I had fun. Lets do this again next year. :-)

Below is a picture from that night. It's the four of us - smiling. <3 It sits on my desk as a constant reminder of how much love was shared between us all that day.